Always Running
by BeautifulDisaster27
Summary: Eclare. Rated M for later chapters and told in Clare's POV: I am always running never stopping it was my way of coping with the loss as my therapist said. It's been 8 months since he's died and I've just transferred into Degrassi..
1. New Home

I was always running never stopping it was my way of coping with the loss as the therapist said. It's been 8 months and I've just transferred schools for the 4th time. My best friend Alli would always move with us since I couldn't stand the fact of not moving and Alli needed some stability in her life which somehow was me so we stayed together.

"We're here" My mom said as she pulled up to a medium sized house.

"Home sweet home" I chuckled

"Don't worry Clare-bear I live right next door visit me anytime."

"I will Alli."

I walked into the house and ran to unpack my stuff.

"Mom I got the room next door Darcy can have the room next to mine." I yelled

My mom didn't reply so I assume she's heard me.

Darcy is my older sister we always shared everything since the time I was little we never had secrets. Darcy was on the cheerleading school back in Bardell, she dated the football quarterback. Alli, Darcy, and I were really close then she died when I was just started high school. She was on her way to a field trip to New York for a cheerleading competition when their train ran off course killing 30 people Darcy being one of them.

"Honey I found one of your boxes I don't know if you're ready to open it yet"

"Bring it up mom"

I heard my mom walking up the steps and to my room. She sat next to me on my floor as I went through clothes.

"Here hunny"

She handed me my bright colored wooden box with his name engraved on it. It was one of the most hardest things I have ever made, but he begged me to make it so when we took woodshop together against my will, I did.

"Mom I can't open it not now, just put it on my desk safely nothing can happen to it."

"Ok dear I will."

I watched my mom place my box on my dresser and walk away. Once she left I sat down at my desk and gently graced the lid of the box with my thumb. I remember making it, I put a whole three weeks into it everything had to be perfect and the colors had to describe me. I used pink for love, yellow for sunshine, blue for my eyes, and white for peaceful which was how he made me feel.

"Clare hunny I found it's mate"

My mom handed me a box which had my name engraved on it inside a little heart. The colors were to describe him. He used red for love, black for the nights we spent together, and grey because he said it was peaceful.

My memories started to come back to when we were decorating the boxes.

"_Grey seriously what emotion does that describe?"_

"_Peace" _

"_Ok how does grey describe peace?"_

"_It's a mixture of black and white Clary how can it not be peaceful plus you were a little grey hoodie when we first met" _

"_You win again" _

"_Thank you." _

"_Black?"_

"_For the nights we spent together remember those lovely nights when you gave me your purity ring?"_

"_Not here and I do recall you liked it too and were surprised." _

"Clare you start Degrassi tomorrow with Alli" my mom said breaking me of my thoughts

"Great I'll pick out clothes for tomorrow then."

"Ok sweetie."

I then felt some tears running down my cheeks.

"It's ok Clare-bear"

"Alli when did you get here"

"Just a few minutes ago your mom let me in. How about we put your boxes away."

I nodded as Alli took my boxes and gently placed them on the top shelf in my closet.

"Did you open one yet?"

I shook my head.

"I still miss him. I remember everything like it was yesterday."

"Do you want to tell me them."

"I remember the first time Josh told me he loved me, we were walking around the mall hand in hand of course and we decided to eat in the mall."

"Of course, but I haven't heard this one yet."

"Then listen"

"Ok so you were eating" Alli said as she held a pillow to her like she was listening to a sad romantic movie.

"We were kissing and people started to stare and talk about us like we were being rude well Josh being Josh thought I'd mind, well when I pulled him back into the kiss he smiled into it and said softly 'I thought you'd mind if people watched' I told him 'Why let them watch we're only kissing' and he said 'That's why I love you' I was shocked and said 'You love me' well he nodded and I told him that I loved him too."

"Awe Clare that's so not romantic" Alli giggled

"But it felt right he said I was his soul mate a week before he died, but told me I'll find mine one day I told him he was my soul mate and he denied it and said he just knew."

Alli and I finished unpacking my boxes I put up pictures of Darcy and my dad who died a year after Darcy did. Josh accompanied me to my dad's funeral.

"Clare your car's here" my mom yelled

"Finally tell Sav to put it in the driveway."

I ran downstairs as fast as I could and ran right into Sav.

"Can I have my keys please?" I asked

"Here and you're welcome for driving your precious baby here."

"Thank you Sav I would've drove her if I could"

I ran outside and seen my baby parked in the drive way. It was a 1999 Ford Mustang automatic, Josh had got her for his 16th birthday party. When he died I got it. Once I ran up to her I hopped inside the driver seat.

"I missed you Clary" I said hugging the steering wheel with my head resting against it I cried.

Yes Josh named her Clary after me he was the only one who called me Clary because everyone else called me Clare-bear and Clary was different. It was the only piece of him that he left behind and she was mine all mine. I drifted off reclining in the drivers seat thinking about when Josh took me driving.

"Clare-bear time for dinner." Alli said sitting in the passenger seat.

"Ok I'll be right in."

"Ok"

I can still feel Josh when I sat in my car so I sit here and often when I run away chances are you can just look in the backseat of Clary and I'll be there. I exited Clary moments later and went inside for dinner.

"Sav left already?" I said as I sat down

"Yea like an hour ago he went home already, you're lucky that we moved an hour away." My mom said

"Yea now when you want to you can see Darcy" Alli stated

"And Josh I know, but last time I seen him I broke down literally."

"Clare it'll be ok." my mom said

I gave them evil looks as we continued to eat. After dinner I helped with the chores, made sure my room was unpacked and watched some TV.

"Clare it's 10 already time to sleep you have school in the morning."

"Yes mom" I said shutting off the TV

I went up to my room and set my phone alarm, got changed into pajamas, and laid into my bed. After ten minutes of stirring I couldn't sleep I put my house key on Clary's key ring, put on a jacket since it's only mid September along with my shoes, grabbed my phone putting in in my jacket pocket with my keys, grabbed an extra pillow and blanket, and ran out side. I opened the door to the back seat. I put my pillow inside and my blanket then I climbed in.

"Josh I can't sleep" I said to no one hoping Josh would appear or at least talk

I felt his presence at that moment.

"I miss you Josh I really do" I sobbed into my pillow

I could swear I heard Josh tell me that he misses me to as I cried. I fell asleep still feeling Josh's presence in Clary and woke up to my phone alarm going off signaling it's time for school.

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	2. First Day at Degrassi

**Disclaimer- I do not own Degrassi **

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I woke up in Clary and went to my room leaving my pillow and blanket behind. Once I got into my room I knew I wouldn't make it through the day without skipping.

"Honey can we try to make it through the day without coming home?"

"Yes mom I'll try" I said half serious

"I had just finished getting dressed when Alli walked in.

"Hey Alli we'll go once I'm done my hair and make up."

"Ok"

I did my hair putting it in a ribbon to match my blue attire as my curls bounced loosely. I feel lucky to have curly hair because I don't need a curling iron.

I noticed Alli take down my boxes and I put on my mascara and eyeliner.

"So I was thinking…" Alli started to say as she rummaged through my boxes "that you should wear these"

Alli walked over with a few pieces of jewelry placing them in front of me.

"A-Alli I-I-"

"Clare if anything wearing these will bring you luck" Alli said cutting me off.

I nodded and watched in the mirror as Alli grabbed the choker Josh made me for our two month anniversary and put it around my neck. The chocker was white ribbon that had a small heart locket in the middle with out pictures in it.

She put Josh's favorite necklace around my neck after that. It was a white gold chain I had bought him for our two month anniversary. I picked white gold because Josh was allergic to silver. There was a white gold cross that hung off of it.

"Don't forget these" Alli said handing me two rings

One of which I placed on my right ring finger there was a heart shaped diamond in the middle the band was white gold. Josh had given it to me for our one year anniversary which was three weeks before he died.

The next one I placed on my right thumb it was Josh's purity ring we exchanged ours on our five month anniversary we were sure that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. On our sixth month anniversary a month later we exchanged our boxes they were a good size a little bigger than your average shoe box.

I slipped on a few other rings to my left hand to match my right, only I didn't put a ring on my left ring finger because I didn't want anyone to think I'm married and in tenth grade. I put one of Darcy's rings on my middle finger instead.

"Ok ready?" Alli asked as I looked at my rings.

"Yes"

"Mom we're ready" I said as we walked down stairs.

"Girls you'll be half an hour early if we leave now."

"We know we have to stop by the office to get our schedules. Clare and I should have classes together." Alli said as we each got a pop tart from the kitchen

"All of them?" I asked with joy

"Yes I had our therapists talk to the principal."

I smiled brightly as I felt my face light up.

"Now I don't have to worry about being alone." I squealed

"Girls its supposed to rain get umbrellas." My mom said as she got her keys.

Alli and I double checked to make sure we had everything I had my book bag, purse inside, books, iPod in my purse, and everything else I needed. After checking we got our jackets along with umbrellas and left.

The ride to school was only 5 minutes so the ride wasn't that long. When we got there Alli and I walked inside with our arms linked.

"Ok so the office is…" Alli started to say as she looked for the office

"There" I said pointing to it.

We started walking and I looked around at our new school.

"Alli I'm so excited I wonder if Josh will be eating lunch with…" I stopped as reality cut in.

Alli grabbed my arm and gave a gentle squeeze as to ask if I needed her.

"I'm ok Alli, lets just get today over with so I can see Clary later."

Alli nodded as we walked into the office.

"We need our schedules we're new I'm Alli Bhandari and this is Clare Edwards" Alli told the secretary

"I need you to write your names down here." The secretary said as she placed a pen and paper on the counter.

Alli wrote down our names, gave the paper containing our names back along with the pen, and the secretary printed out our schedules. We looked over our schedules and noticed we only had first period media immersion with Ms. O and last period gym with Mr. Armstrong together.

"Um…excuse me there's gotta be a mistake" Alli growled

" No mistake" the secretary replied

"We're supposed to have all the same classes together." Alli stated

"It's hard to give two kids the same classes after school has already begun especially two gifted children since our gifted classes aren't open to many children, but your lockers are next to each other."

"Fine" Alli groaned "We'll be on our way."

"Your first class is straight down the hallway passed the double doors you walked in around the corner on the left you can't miss it it's huge."

"Ok now to class"

Alli and I were walking passed the double doors when I noticed it was starting to rain.

"Hey Alli I'm going to put my book bag in my locker I'll meet you in class, don't worry I'll be fine."

"Ok well each class is an hour you better be back before the bell rings."

"I will" I said

I ran to my locker entered in the combo and threw my book bag inside along with my jacket.

After stopping by my locker I walked out the front doors and spun around in the rain letting it hit my face. I spun around in the parking lot for a few minutes not caring who seen me. I walked over to the picnic table and laid on it once I got dizzy, laying on the table I closed my eyes and let my memories come back.

"_Come on Josh it's raining" I yelled as I started to run_

"_Clary the rain is nice" Josh said as he pulled on my arm _

_I looked up at him curiously and he just wrapped his arm around my neck and I wrapped my arm around his waist and looked up at him, he smiled as he looked down. _

_We walked to Clary and Josh climbed onto her hood pulling me on top of him with my back to his chest as his arms were around my waist. _

"_See now if we would've ran thru the rain we would've missed this opportunity." _

"_Mmm" I said as I pulled his arms tighter around me. _

"_I love you Clary" _

"_I love you too Josh and we'll be so sick tomorrow." I giggled out the last part _

"_But we still have today" Josh said kissing my temple as we laid in the rain on Clary _

I smiled as the memory came back in my head

"_You'll be sick if you don't get to class" _I heard in Josh's voice

I looked around and didn't see anyone then I ran to class.

"You're thirty five minutes late take a ball and you better have an explanation" Ms. O said

"I'm new I got lost finding my way to school then I got lost looking for class" I said as I walked to the empty spot next to Alli

"And you didn't bother to bring a jacket?"

"Guess not"

"Fine don't let it happen again, since you're soaked go get cleaned up."

"Can I take Alli with me to help?" I asked

"Fine you're dismissed both of you"

Alli and I walked out of class I was dripping wet.

"Ok so you either took a break in the rain or wondered around the halls miraculously got soaked"

"Funny Alli I took a break in the rain. I needed it."

Alli pulled me into the bathroom, turned the metal part of the hand dryer so it was facing up and turned it on.

"This is where you'll dry your hair."

I put my head over the hand dryer and let it dry my hair after a about ten minutes or so my hair was dry.

"Ok now your face you look like a drowned raccoon." Alli giggled.

"Gee thanks Alli" I groaned

I walked to the mirror and looked at myself, my eyes had mascara running off of them and I did sort of look like a drowned raccoon I probably rubbed my eyes not realizing it. I took a few wet paper towels that Alli had and washed off the mascara and eyeliner, then reapplied more.

"Ok to our lockers and where's your jacket?"

"In my locker" I said as we left the bathroom

"So you left your jacket in your locker because…"

"I didn't want to ruin it Josh gave me that jacket."

"Ok…I'm not going to ask."

"If it's dry I'll have something to wear over this plus it'll still keep me warm."

"Ok that's a good reason I guess."

Alli and I stopped at our lockers I got my books out as well as my jacket and the bell rang right as I shut my locker door.

"Ugh now to find our classes" I stated "Ms. Dawes advanced English sounds…advanced" I said dryly

"You go that way your class is around the corner my room is four rooms down from yours."

I raised an eyebrow at her as to why she knew that.

"I asked someone." Alli giggled

We started walking and Alli dropped me off at my class early. I was the first one inside. I took the second seat in the second row it was a habit. I sat down and played with my diamond ring.

"Hello you must be new I'm Adam" a sweet voice said from beside me

"Clare and yes I just started today"

"Did you get soaked from the rain this morning?" Adam asked

"You could say that" I smiled faintly

I looked back down and took out a notebook from my book bag and noticed there was a kid with dark hair sitting in front of me. I looked back down at my notebook and continued playing with my ring until I felt like I was being starred at. I looked up and noticed a pair of green eyes looking at me. I looked back down and still felt the green eyes on me which caused me to look back up and again I seen green eyes.

"Can I help you?" I asked

"You have pretty eyes." he said before turning around

I giggled. I'm sitting in wet clothes and the only thing he could come up with is that I have pretty eyes how cliché.

"Good morning class. Today you're going to work on a one paragraph narrative due in the middle of class I will grade them and return them by the end of class they can be on whatever you want. Please begin."

With that said I started to think of a topic and thought Vampires it's not too personal so I don't have to worry about letting my guard down.

"Ok times up, pass your papers forward."

I grabbed the papers from the person who sat behind me, put mine on top and passed it forward.

"Clare what do you think of Degrassi?" Adam asked

"It's not bad since this is only second period and I was kinda late to my first class" I stated

"Due to the rain?" Adam asked

"If you wanna say that" I replied

"So what school did you come from?" the dark haired kid in front of me asked

"Bardell"

"Did you make friends yet?" He asked

"Adam"

He looked over to Adam then back at me.

"I'm Eli and now you have two friends at this school."

"Nice to meet you Eli I'm Clare and now I have three friends."

"But you said the only friend you made was Adam right?"

"Yes, but my friend Alli moved here with me I've known her for almost all my life we were in day care together."

"And she moved here with you?" Adam asked

"Yes we're best friends there's no secrets between us."

"Ok kids settle down" Ms. Dawes said and everyone quieted down and faced forward "Ms. Edwards I kind of expected more of you, the early work from your old school was full of passion, love, lust, addiction. Now you're hiding behind vampire fan fiction we need someone to break you out of your shell."

"Ms. Dawes with all due respect what if I don't want to be broken out of said shell?"

"Then you won't pass my class, so that someone to help break you out of your shell should be someone like Mr. Goldsworthy you two will be able to help each other."

"Me?" Eli said

"Yes. Mr. Goldsworthy, your essays are full of information, but a bit wordy where as Ms. Edwards gives you the information you need to get straight to the point with less words."

I groaned, moved my binder to my lap, and let my head fall onto the desk.

"Clare you could've given yourself a mild concussion by doing that" Adam whispered

I loved my head so I was facing him and glared.

"Ok so what do you have next?" Adam asked

"Lunch then Chem."

"Who do you have Chem. with?" Adam asked

"Mr. Palidino"

"Then?"

I looked at my schedule again.

"Trig with Mr. Rider."

"Then?"

I gave Adam my schedule.

"You have all your classes with me except two and you're eating lunch with Eli and I"

"Ok class your next essay will be one a one paragraph essay telling what you learned about your partner, have fun with it, talk over the phone or something. It's due tomorrow. Take care."

Then the bell rang and I gathered my stuff.

"Clare's eating lunch with us" Adam said to Eli

"Fine by me" Eli said

We all walked out of class together and headed to the lockers.

"Clare what's your locker number?" Adam asked

"1502" I said

"Awesome Eli's locker 1503 and I'm locker 1504" Adam said happily

"Clare thank goodness I found you I thought you skipped again or went back out to frolic in the rain."

"Frolicking in the rain that's how you got soaked?" Eli laughed Adam chuckled

"I send you to class and you come out with two boys?" Alli joked as we got to our lockers

"Alli not now you know that's not funny" I stated

"Sorry Clare-bear just trying to cheer you up after last period."

"It's ok Alli" I said opening my locker

"If she needs cheering up I'll help and Eli will too" Adam said Eli rolled his eyes.

"Here Clare take these so you don't get sick."

Alli handed me two aspirin from her purse and a bottle of water. I took them and put everything in my locker, but my purse.

"Ready Clare" Eli said

"Yea" I replied

"I'll wait for you at your locker when the bell rings." Alli said as she hugged me

"So the cafeteria is this way" Adam said

I looked out the double doors as we walked passed them and it had stopped raining.

"Can I see your schedule so I know where your next class is?" Eli asked

"Dude she has class with me next period then a few others" Adam stated as I pulled out my schedule

Eli raised an eyebrow as we continued to walk.

"He asked in English." I gave Eli my schedule

I watched as Eli unfolded it and skimmed it over.

"So you're in grade 10 and frolic in the rain" Eli joked

"Yup" I said

"So you're in gifted classes with Adam which makes you a genius as well." Eli chuckled

"Oh frolicking in the rain is one way of being me."

"Ok so Clare Edwards, grade 10, has pretty eyes, wears jewelry, and is a genius who likes to frolic in the rain." Eli said sarcastically

"Ok Eli Goldsworthy short for…um…I'm guessing Elijah, in grade 11 likes to dress in all black -" I paused and grabbed Eli's hand examining it " and does his nails with what looks like Sharpie?"

Adam laughed as we walked into the cafeteria

"What I get bored" Eli said

"I have black nail polish it lasts longer" I stated as I looked around the cafeteria

"So what do you think?" Adam asked

"It's different." I said

"How so?" Eli asked

"Well at Bardell the cafeteria had eating spots like a pizza place, place for subs, Mexican, and things like that."

"Ok I'll transfer to Bardell please" Adam joked as we got in the food line.

"So what brings you here Edwards?" Eli asked

"I don't want to talk about it." I said sadly

"Fair enough" Eli said as we finally got to view the menu

"This menu sucks" I said as I looked it over

"Come on lets go" Eli said as he took my hand and started walking fast Adam followed us.

"Where are we going?" I asked

"The Dot" Adam said

"What's that?" I asked

"A restaurant" Eli said

"How are we getting to said restaurant?" I asked

"Morty" Eli said still dragging me with him as his pace increased a little I was now jogging to keep up.

Eli threw the door open and kept continuing me

"Who's Morty?" I asked

"My hearse" Eli stated

"Luckily it stopped raining since you're almost dry Clare"

I looked down and did notice I was almost dry. When we got to Morty Eli opened the passenger door for me to go inside putting me in the middle.

"So how does it feel being in a hearse?" Eli asked as he sat in the driver seat

"Just like any other car" I said

Eli smirked and turned on the ignition, screamo music started blaring, Eli turned on the heat, and turned down the music.

"Your hands were freezing." Eli stated looking at me.

I started laughing hard when I realized Death Hand was on.

"What's so funny?" Adam asked as we pulled out of the parking lot

"Yes Clare please enlighten us" Eli added

"Just brings back memories." I said as my laughter calmed

"Like what?" Adam asked

"Ok I remember one time Alli and I were depressed and her brother Sav who's in grade 12 now decided to cheer us up by taking us to a Dead Hand concert only giving us four hours to get ready" I laughed

"I would kill to go see Dead Hand" Eli stated

"Same here" Adam said

"Go on" Eli said sounding amused

"Well there's Alli and I dressed up she made me wear black boots, skinny jeans, and a Dead Hand shirt that she tore in some places I still have it. Any way little did we know Sav had back stage passes. Alli and I had only memorized some of the lyrics, well during the concert Alli and I just danced to the beat while her Sav was singing and then we hung out with a band we knew nothing about." I laughed

"Ok so let me get this right Alli's brother surprised you by taking you to a concert held by none other than Dead Hand and you knew nothing about them?" Eli said sounding shocked

"Yea Alli and I felt so out of place"

Eli and Adam laughed about it as we pulled into the Dot.

"Ok so Death Hand I'm guessing is your favorite band?" I said

"Only like our idols" Adam said Eli nodded

"Ok so lets go" Eli said as he got out of the car.

Once we were all out of the car we walked inside and Eli picked a small round table to sit at leaving me in the middle again.

"Baby Edwards?"

I turned around to see who was talking to me

"Sp-Spinner?"

"You know him?" Eli asked

I nodded

"The one and only so how's-"

"Excuse me I'll be right back" I said in a shaky voice to Adam and Eli

I grabbed Spinner's hand and drug him into the back room and cried.

"What's wrong did I say something wrong?" Spinner asked

"I know what you were going to say you were going to ask about Darcy right?"

"Well yea, why what happened is she ok?" Spinner asked frantically as he held my shoulders looking me in the eye

"Spinner, Darcy, she died in a train accident last year" I sobbed

"N-No she could have" Spinner said as his voice shook

"I miss her too Spin all the time"

"Your dad?"

"Died not long after Darcy, then Josh died shortly after my dad."

"Did Josh go with you to Darcy's funeral"

"He didn't know about it he was on vacation when she died. I didn't tell him until he came back and I broke down in his arms he went to my dad's funeral with me though. I went to Josh's with my mom. I broke down at his when I was asked to say a few words. I miss him Spinner I don't know what to do."

"Calm down Clare it's ok" Spinner said as he held me he was crying too "I'm so sorry Clare, but I have to get back."

I wiped my eyes and looked at Spinner he had a few stray tears running down his face. I took his notepad and pen so I could give him the name and address of the Cemetery Darcy is in.

"Here Spin it's so you can say goodbye I know you still love her. Josh and my dad are there too"

Spinner nodded and a few more tears fell down his face as we left.

"I'll see her later wanna go with me" Spin asked as we walked to my table

"No thanks, but you go tell them I miss them" I said as a few more tears involuntarily fell from my face.

"I will" Spin said as he rubbed my shoulder. "Thanks for telling me"

"You're welcome Spin" I said

"I'll go get your food." Spinner then left

"Clare are you ok?" Adam asked

"Obviously not if she's crying." Eli said to Adam

"It's ok Eli" I mumbled as I tried to stop crying

Eli pulled me into his arms embracing me

"It's ok to cry I'm here" Eli whispered in my ear.

I entwined my fingers around his neck and cried hard. I cried because I miss my dad, Darcy, and Josh, I cried because Josh left me here, and I cried because I'm not with them.

"It's ok Clare" Eli whispered as he rubbed my back.

"Eli and I aren't going to leave you." Adam said

I nodded

"Here Clare it's a pick me up and if I remember correctly your favorite and here are the rest of your drinks."

I looked to see Peter standing behind me.

"Did Spinner tell you?" I asked

Peter nodded as he wiped away a few tears.

"Go with him to visit her. I know you miss her too. She has stuff for you both and I'll bring it by if you want."

"We'd like that" Peter said

"Who else is here that knew her?" I asked

"Just me and Spin we moved here to surprise her for when she came back."

"But now you're getting the surprise"

Peter nodded as he left and I drank some of my chocolate milkshake while Eli rubbed my back and Adam rubbed my shoulder.

"We're here when you want to talk." Eli said

"Day or night" Adam added

I nodded.

"I'm sorry for possibly ruining lunch." I said

"Don't worry it's ok" Adam said

"I didn't mind I know I'm an awesome hugger" Eli said smugly

"Can you be any more smug?" I laughed

"I thought it would make you laugh." Eli smiled

"So Clare what music do you like?" Adam asked

"Just about all kinds I prefer rock, pop, and indie, I also listen to hip-hop thanks to Alli"

"So what rock bands?" Eli asked

"Different ones, but my favorite ones are Evanescence and Three Days Grace."

"Wow you'd fit right in with us" Adam said

"Here's your food." Peter said placing our food in front of us.

"Thanks Peter I can't believe you remembered what I eat." I said

"No problem Clare plus it was easy to remember you three had me make this for you all the time." Peter said to me "Guys take care of her she's been through a lot and your lunch is on us."

"We will and thank you" Adam said

"We can tell she's been through a lot and you don't have to pay for our lunch" Eli stated

"No it's no problem you're taking care of Clare I can tell from watching. Just don't hurt her"

"We don't plan to" Adam said

We ate and talked about what we had in common like books, movies, music, and such. The ride back to school was full of us joking around.

Eli, Adam, and I walked into Degrassi together a few minutes later than what we had planned.

"Did you skip, or plan on skipping?" Alli asked with her arms crossed

"Relax Alli, I'm Eli and I took Clare and Adam here out to lunch we're just a little late." Eli stated as he rushed us to our lockers.

"We seen Spinner and Peter, don't worry I filled them in and Adam has class with next"

"I have all classes with Clare, but two and when you're not with her Eli and I will take care of her." Adam said

"I'm trusting you two" Alli said as she glared at them. "I'll see you in gym" Alli said as she hugged me

"Ok" I said

Alli walked away

"Wow is she always like that" Eli said as the bell rang meaning we were late

"Basically she doesn't want anyone to hurt me. Need I remind you I've known her almost all my life."

"Eli walk Clare to class I'm going to class I'm going to the bathroom." Adam said "Clare I'll see you in class middle table in the back I don't sit with anyone so you don't need to worry."

"Ok" I replied

Adam left leaving Eli and I alone.

"So now to get to class."

"Not that I have a choice" I said shutting my locker.

Eli and I started walking to our classes.

"Well Eli you have an excuse you took the new girl to class."

"Like that'll work" Eli chuckled

"Tell them my name and teacher. I can just tell my teacher I got lost"

As we walked we seen someone throw Adam into a door. Eli and I ran to his side.

"The men's restroom isn't for girls" The guy stated

"Adam where are you hurt?" I asked

"I'm not hurt I'm ok Clare." Adam said

"What did Owen mean by that statement and when should I kill him?"

"Eli don't kill him it's ok" Adam said

We helped Adam up and made sure he was ok.

"Guys I need to talk to you." Adam said

"Ok outside?" I asked

Eli raised an eyebrow at me.

"It's not like I haven't skipped before plus it's just Chem." I stated

"Ok we'll talk"

The three of us walked outside to the picnic tables and sat down, I sat next to Eli and Adam sat across from us.

"Ok well I'm a guy between the ears but I have a girl's body….I'm FTM transgender and not everyone takes it well."

"Cool" Eli said

"Ok, but you're still Adam so I don't see how it's a big deal" I stated

"So nothing changes between us."

"Not unless you want it to" Eli said

"Same goes for me" I said to Adam.

"Well what now?" Eli asked

"Well you should go to class Eli, Adam will take me to class if he wants" I said as I gave Adam a look.

"Yea I'll take Clare" Adam said as if he were confused.

"Meet you two at our lockers after eighth?" Eli asked

"Well I gotta stop by my locker anyway" I said.

"Yea" Adam said

We watched Eli walk away and moved next to Adam.

"I'm ready to talk to someone, but Alli about everything and I'm not ready to talk to Eli about it."

"Ok what's with this deep dark past of yours?" Adam asked

"Well see this ring"

I pulled off Josh's purity ring.

"Yea it's a purity ring, but it's not meant for your thumb." Adam joked

"I know it's not mine, well it is now, but it didn't originally belong to me." I stated

"Then who did it belong to?"

I went into my purse and took out my wallet, opened it and took out Josh's picture.

"The ring belongs to him his name is Josh he was my first boyfriend." I felt tears coming on.

"So you have his purity ring and he has yours?"

I nodded

"So what he dumped you"

I shook my head as I put my purse on the table not realizing it was open and my keys fell out.

"You drive?" Adam asked picking up my keys.

"No, but the car is mine her name is Clary Josh named her after me, she's a four door Ford Mustang." I stated

"Don't Mustangs have two doors?"

"Yes, but Josh had to have one with four doors and his dad had it custom built for his birthday. It's mine now his dad gave it to me."

"Ok and Josh you're in a relationship?"

"Josh died a few weeks after he gave me this diamond ring for our one year anniversary." I cried and Adam hugged me.

"It's ok Clare"

"It's not I'm afraid of losing people. The girl I was talking to Spinner and Peter about in the Dot was my sister Darcy she died a year ago shortly after she died my dad died too. Spinner used to date Darcy I thought either someone told him or he figured it out, but when he almost asked about her I stopped him."

"Clare. That's a lot to go through no wonder why Alli's so over protective. Eli and I aren't going anywhere."

"That's the problem Adam I haven't stayed in one place for more than two months I moved all summer. I'm always moving I don't know how to cope with it otherwise."

"Eli and I will help you."

"I'm told my mom and Alli that we're staying until the end of the school year whether or not we move is on me, but I can't stand being hurt again."

"Eli and I would never hurt you."

"I know, but you can't tell Eli, promise me Adam that you won't tell."

"I promise Clare."

"Thank you Adam" I hugged him.

"So Josh he had piercings?"

"Only the lip and eyebrow"

Adam and I spent the class period talking about Josh, Darcy, and my dad. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

The rest of the day went by fast Adam kept my secret from Eli and in gym I told Alli that Adam knows and promised not to tell. At home we all ate dinner and after wards Alli went home and I watched tv until 10, went to my room changed into my pajamas, then to Clary after I had trouble falling asleep.

"Hey Josh" I said as I covered up in the blanket "I missed you today." I said then I fell asleep.

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**Please rewiew and let me know what you think good or bad.**


	3. Romeo and Juliet

**Disclaimer- I do not own Degrassi**

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The past week went by great and Adam, Eli, and I have become really good friends I've been sleeping in the back of Clary still because I still feel Josh there.

I woke up, exited Clary, went inside, went to my room, and made sure I had everything, since I didn't have a gym uniform I spent the entire class with Alli doing homework. I got dressed into a black dress with flowers on it and white pantyhose since the weather was supposed to be nice, before I knew it Alli was here.

"Morning Clare and leaving your curls bounce today?" Alli asked

"Morning Alli, yea, and I'm almost ready for school"

"Speaking about school I found a cute boy, but he's a player so there's nothing to worry about Clare."

"You getting hurt would be something I'd be worried about"

"Well since we had to take boxing in Bardell we can kick his ass and remind me how I ended up taking boxing out of all things." Alli said as we walked into the kitchen to

"Well we had to take up a sport and since Josh forced me to take it by signing my name on to the sign up sheet with pen in front of the coach since you didn't want to be alone so you took it with us."

"Girls ready?" My mom asked "and Alli you're parents let me know they left to go back home yesterday so I'll be keeping an eye on you as well"

Alli groaned

"Just about we're making toast to eat in the car." I said "and Alli how come you didn't tell me."

"Ok" my mom replied

"I was going to tell you at school." Alli said

"Mom we just have to grab our things" I said as Alli and I finished making our toast

"Ok do you have your gym clothes?" My mom asked

"Yes mom" I said

"Yes Mrs. Edwards"

We walked out of the house, got in the car, and drove off to school. When we got to school Alli and I walked to our lockers together and saw none other then Adam and Eli at theirs.

"Morning Eli and Adam." I said

"Morning." they replied

"So Clare I have a question"

"What is it Eli"

"Can I see your English assignment?"

"No you cannot" I stated

"I'm you're partner I need to make corrections"

"Not to this assignment for all I know you could make yourself look less sarcastic or something if I let you make changes to it."

"Fair enough"

I got out the rest of my books for class and shut my locker just as the bell rang.

"Bye guys" I said as Alli shut her locker

"See you next period Clare" Eli stated

"See you in English" Adam said

"So how do you feel about Eli I mean do you like him?"

"No Alli, you know where I stand" I said

"I know you're still in love with Josh or whatever, but Clare." Alli stated

"Hey look class" I said as I walked faster to the class room in hopes of avoiding Alli's questions which I did.

Ms. O gave us some work in which I finished before the bell rang in which I used my spare time to read Vampire Diaries which the book was better than the show.

"Clare the bell rang time to go" Alli said nudging my shoulder

"Sorry I was too into the book." I said as I packed up my things.

"I see that"

Alli and I walked to our lockers and I grabbed my English things.

"Ready for class?" Eli asked

"Guess so" I stated looking at Alli who was already to leave

"Ok now that we're all ready we can go" Adam said

"So what assignment do you think Dawes is going to give us today?" Eli said

"Who knows" Adam said

"Does she give assignments everyday?" I asked

"Sometimes we have projects where writing isn't needed, but that's rare" Adam said

"Well we're here" Eli said as he walked into class

"Bye Alli" I said hugging her

"See you sometime before eighth" Alli said as she hugged back

I then went into class taking my now normal seat behind Eli. The bell rang just as I sat down.

"Ok kids you'll be doing a film project on a play please break into groups of three and have one person come up to get the DVD and the instructions" Ms. Dawes said

Eli turned around in his seat

"All three of us?" I asked

Both of them nodded and I got up to get the DVD

"I got it" Eli said

"Ok so Adam assuming you and Eli talked please tell me you still didn't tell him anything and Alli knows that I told you."

"I didn't even tell my brother Drew and remember your secret's safe with me."

"Ok good" I said sounding relieved

"How cool is this we get to act out Romeo and Juliet" Eli said holding up the DVD in a baggie

Adam and I rolled our eyes we've been studying Romeo and Juliet the past week.

"Take the rest of the class to get used to your material and as you leave each group gets a video recorder and a blank DVD to record on. Please handle the equipment with care" Ms. Dawes said

"So after school we'll work on this?"

"Sure let me just text my mom." I said

"I'll have to text mine as well" Adam said

I started to text my mom to let her know about the project.

_Buzz Buzz_

_Will Eli also drive you home - Mom_

"My mom wants to know if you're driving me home as well" I said to Eli

"Of course"

_He said of course - Clare_

_Buzz Buzz_

_Ok then I don't have a problem with it just either be home by dinner tell Alli I'll pick her up - Mom_

_Ok I will - Clare_

Eli looked at me with a raised eyebrow

"She said to be back by dinner."

"Ok, what about you Adam?"

"I have to be back by 5."

"Ok then after school it is."

I pulled out my Vampire Diaries book and began reading it from where I left off.

"What are you reading?" Eli asked

I lifted my book high enough so Eli could read the cover.

"Vampires didn't Dawes say you wrote vampire fan fiction as well?"

"Yea so?"

Adam laughed

"What's with vampires got a thing for the undead?" Eli asked sarcastically

"Maybe, maybe not wouldn't you like to know?"

"Ouch Edwards" Eli said

Adam laughed again

"So where would we be working on the play at and we only need one act" Adam stated

"Well there's a park and we need to do the final act" Eli said

"Ok well where does it say we need the final act?"

"Right here in the instructions" Eli pointed out

"Ok so we'll head to the park immediately after school and then who will do the editing?" I asked

"I have no idea."

"So how close are you and Alli?" Eli asked

"Well if I skipped school Alli would go with me if I were sick she'd stay home with me. The only times we're apart, besides the obvious are when we're in separate classes, I decide to skip a class, when it's past ten for curfew,"

"So when she's at school and you're not?" Eli asked

"For the whole day that's entirely unlikely she's too protective of me."

"Yea we've noticed, so what about at Bardell?" Adam asked

"We took every class together we weren't in separate classes like we are now. We hated being alone and not knowing anyone, but when we made friends we'd spend the weekends apart and also do partnering assignments with them I mean you can only spend so much time with a friend before you grow apart." I stated

"That's true I guess" Adam stated then the bell

"So the Dot for lunch?" Eli asked as we gathered our things.

Adam nodded

"Ok" I said

We left the class and Adam took a video recorder from Ms. Dawes and I took the DVD and went to our lockers Alli was there waiting for us.

"Alli I'm going to the Dot for lunch again and we got assigned a project so I'll be home by dinner later Eli's driving me home don't worry."

"What project?"

"We're filming a modern day version of Romeo and Juliet the final act." I stated

"Ok" Alli said looking at me "If she's one minute late for dinner which is at 5:30 I'll kill you Eli"

"Alli!" I said between my teeth

Eli laughed not knowing that we took boxing together even if it was only for a semester.

"Ok ready?" Adam asked

Eli and I nodded, I gave Alli a hug and we left.

At the Dot we seen Spinner and Peter of course they still treat me like a younger sister. Adam, Eli, and I basically talked about school yesterday as we ate lunch.

The rest of the school day went by fast and I hated the gym uniforms they were ugly we had to wear a yellow shirt and purple shorts luckily Alli had an extra yellow shirt and I had purple pajama shorts.

"Clare you look so cute" Alli said

"The shirt shows a little too much cleavage for gym Alli"

"That's the point it's to distract the guys" Alli giggled

"Remember I'm not looking."

"Yea yea yea" Alli groaned as we walked out to the gym

"Today class is a free period." Coach Armstrong said

I walked back into the locker room, grabbed my things, walked to the bleachers, and did my homework.

"Clare while you do homework I'm going to talk to Drew"

"Adam's brother?"

"Drew Torres is Adam's brother?" Alli asked

"Yea Adam told me this morning and this is the first time I've noticed Drew is in our gym class"

"That's because he just switched."

"Oh, well I'm putting on my iPod while I work."

Alli got me when it was time to change out of our gym clothes, I put my things away, changed out of my gym uniform, and walked with Alli to our lockers. Alli and I got there before Eli and Adam.

"Oh my mom's driving you home"

"Ok I'll probably wait for you in your room if that's ok"

"Yea Alli that's fine you know what you can and can't touch."

"I know."

"Hey Clare, Alli" Eli said entering his combo

"Hey Eli where's Adam?" I said shutting my locker and leaning against it

"He's waiting by Morty already"

"Already?"

"Who's Morty?" Alli asked

"Eli's hearse" I stated as Eli shut his locker

"Wait you drive a hearse?" Alli exclaimed

"Yes Alli"

Alli rolled her eyes and walked out with Eli and I.

I waved goodbye to Alli and my mom as we left.

"So now to the park" Eli said as we walked towards Morty

Adam was sitting on the hood when we got there

"Ok park time" Adam said

Eli opened the back and we threw everything inside, Eli opened the passenger door, then his door, then we drove off.

"Ok we're here" Eli said ten minutes later as he shut off the ignition

"It's basically woods I don't really see a park." I stated

"The park is surrounded by the woods Clare" Adam stated as we got out of the car

We all got out of the car and Adam grabbed the video recorder and Eli grabbed the props from the back and we started to walk in the woods.

"You think the path to the park would be better." I stated

"Well it's kind of abandoned so not many people know about it" Eli stated

"So who's playing Romeo?" I asked

"I am" Eli said right way

Adam and I looked at him

"Well I have experience with Romeo and Juliet." Eli stated

"What don't you have experience in" Adam said

"So Adam that makes you Juliet" I giggled as I noticed a picnic table

"Funny Clare" Adam and Eli said in unison

Eli and I sat down at the picnic table as Adam set up the video recorder

"So the last scene don't you think Romeo should have a few minutes left after he drinks to poison."

"He does die pretty hastily" I stated

"Right giving him time to say goodbye to Juliet with a kiss" Eli said

"And then Juliet kills herself"

"Exactly."

We then filmed the final act.

"I will join you in the afterlife. Death come quickly so I can join her a.s.a.p." I heard Eli say

"Romeo! You drank the poisonous high fructose cola beverage. No!" I said as Eli took a sip of his Coke

He then kissed me it felt so real and all my thoughts came back to Josh like I was kissing Josh and I move my hands up to his neck and went deeper into the kiss, but when Eli pulled away and I noticed he wasn't Josh.

"Star-crossed I think not" I said as I used to fake gun to shoot myself

"Great work guys"

"So Adam did we get the shot?" I asked as I rubbed the back of my head confused

"Yea I think so"

"Ok so home for all of us then?" I asked

"Well it's 4:30 so I'll drop Adam off first then I'll drop you off Clare" Eli said.

"Ok"

We walked back to Morty talking about editing the film. I didn't pay too much attention my only thoughts were filled with Josh and when I kissed Eli it felt real and I felt like I cheated on Josh even though he died and tomorrow marks the ninth month of his death.

"Clare you ok?" Eli asked

"Huh? Oh yea I'm fine just thinking about what's going on at home."

My thoughts then switched to as I remembered my dad died 10 months ago.

"Clare what are you thinking about?" Adam asked

"I don't wanna talk about it just stuff came into my mind." I stated

I started to play with the little heart necklace my dad gave me that I had put on and I remembered how he got mad when he walked in on Josh and I kissing, how he bought me this necklace for my 15th birthday, how I cried into Josh's shoulder at my dad's funeral. I felt tears threaten to fall as I walked with my head down. I ran into something and looked up as I held back the tears. I seen Eli turn around and noticed we were at Morty already.

"Are you ok Edwards?" He asked

I nodded

"Clare come with me" Adam said dragging me off

"What is it?"

"If I talk about it I'll cry and I really don't feel like crying right now." I said

"Fair enough"

Adam and I walked back to Morty and Eli embraced me in a hug.

"Ok out with it Edwards"

"I noticed my necklace and it bought back memories"

"What memories?"

"My dad bought me this for my 15th birthday and I seriously gotta get home"

"Clare you're about to cry again and Adam and I hate to see you cry especially when you don't really give us a reason."

"My dad died almost ten months ago and my necklace reminds me of him I didn't realize what necklace it was until just a little bit ago." I stated as I cried freely "I gotta get home."

Eli held me as I cried I pushed away moments later and walked around to the passenger side with Adam.

"How come I have a feeling that it's more than just your dad's death."

"Adam sush" I said

Adam stayed quiet and I gave Eli directions to my house as he drove me home. It took no more than five minutes. I ran right into my room and put my things down, I went through my purse as tears ran down my cheeks in the background I heard Alli talking about something or another, but I ignored it and took my keys. I ran down stairs, out the door used the unlock button on Clary before I got to her, hopped inside, shut the door, and cried into my pillow.

"I'm soo sorry Josh" I said between sobs "I feel so bad I feel like I cheated on you" I sobbed myself to sleep.

"Clare-bear what's wrong?" Alli said as she moved in next to me

"Eli and I kissed for the project it felt so real Alli."

"Well if it felt real it probably was real" Alli whispered kindly

"Gee thanks Alli as if I didn't already feel bad enough"

"Clare, you should be happy that there's a huge chance Eli likes you"

"Alli I miss Josh I'm not over him and I'm not going to school tomorrow since it's the nine month anniversary of Josh's death you should go and get my homework for me since we've been keeping to ourselves besides Adam, but I don't think he can drop off my homework."

"Ok fine I'll tell Adam to get your homework from your classes, but what do I tell them when they ask about you?"

"Tell them I'm at home"

"Ok I will come inside so we can eat please."

Alli and I went inside to eat dinner afterwards I helped with dinner dishes.

"Mom can I please stay home tomorrow?"

"Why dear?"

"Tomorrow marks the nine month anniversary of Josh's death and I don't feel like crying all day in school."

"It's really no problem Mrs. Edwards I can get Clare's homework for her easily" Alli explained

"Well if you two already discussed it, Alli why don't you stay in Darcy's room?"

"Ok I'll just go get my pajamas"

I finished the dishes and went to my room. I changed into my pajamas, got Josh's picture, took out my iPod, laid on my bed, put my ear buds on, turned on my iPod, and cried myself to sleep.

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**Please Review I know it was a little sad, but it will get better trust me. **


	4. My World

I woke up at 10am surprisingly in my room not in Clary like usual so it took me a minute to think of where I was. I immediately put on jewelry Josh had bought me not caring that I was still in my pajamas. There were 11 pieces, one piece for each anniversary including his purity ring that I gladly took from him, there would be 12, but we exchanged the boxes we made for our sixth month.

I put on a pair of diamond heart studded earrings from our seventh month, a simple band with the words "Forever" engraved on the front and "Josh and Clare" on the inside from our eleventh month, the choker that Josh made me for our first month, and a few other pieces that Josh had bought me and ran down stairs frantically as I remember the kiss with Eli along with the feeling of wanting more and the dream I had about him.

"Mom do you still have that big box we keep in the basement I'm ready to finally open it."

"It's still in the basement dear. I wrote Josh's name on it"

I ran down to the basement, grabbed Josh's box, and ran it right to my room.

I opened the box which was rather large and a little heavy. I spewed it's contents all over the room.

"I'm not forgetting you I refuse to." I said as I placed all of his stuff around my room.

I put my iPod on the doc, hooked up the speakers, and turned it on. I looked around as I sat on my bed some shoe boxes laid on the floor, some clothes, some random binders filled with Josh's writing, and some stuffed animal he bought for me.

I sat back on the floor opened the binders placing the papers in piles all over my room, and then the song "My World" by Sick Puppies came on and I started to think "What if I welcomed Eli into my world what would he do? What would he say?" I became angry with myself for it along with the dream I had where Eli and I were kissing in Clary. I started to question why I became upset yesterday "Was I starting to like Eli?" I thought.

"Clare come eat you haven't eaten and it's already 11."

"I'm not hungry mom I'll eat later" I yelled as I surrounded myself with Josh's memories

I heard the door close over my music and I knew my mom wouldn't leave me alone which could only mean Alli skipped to check on me.

"I'm breaking down I need you Alli!" I yelled down stairs as I cried

A few seconds later I heard someone running to my room as I sat there crying and rocking back and forth. Moments later I felt arms wrap around me. I turned around to see Eli.

"W-What are you doing here?" I asked in between sobs as he held me in an embrace.

"I got worried about you since I haven't seen you all day, but I've seen Alli at first and I thought you were skipping, but then I didn't see you at all neither did Adam and after that it didn't take me long to realize you skipped school."

I nodded as I buried my head in Eli's chest and sobbed. Moments later Eli pulled away, lifted my chin with his thumb, wiped my hears away, then kissed me.

The kiss was sweet and passionate, he graced my bottom lip with his tongues and I granted him entrance, his tongue, danced with mine, moments later thought of Josh came in my head, and I pulled away.

"What's wrong Clare?" Eli asked as I started to look around my room.

"E-Eli-"

"What's all this Clare?" Eli said finally noticing my room

"It'll take you in my world, we'll start at the beginning when I started to separate myself" I said as I stood up.

Eli stood as well and I began to walk out of my room.

"Clare I'm putting Clary in the garage." My mom yelled

I stopped and leaned over the banister

"Don't mom I need to wash her Saturday" I yelled back

"Ok I'll leave her."

"Thanks mom" I yelled back and moved away from the banister

"Clary?" Eli asked

"You'll find out later" I stated as I pulled on his shirt so he'd follow me

I led Eli into my sister's room and I sat on her bed.

"This room belongs to my sister Darcy." I stated

Eli looked around and picked up one of her photos it was of her, Alli, and I posing together on our first day of school.

"You three look really close, how old is Darcy?"

"Almost 19 and we were really, really close"

"So she's in college?"

"N-No, but I think my mom keeps telling herself that Darcy is just on vacation still." I stated then took a pause "Darcy died in an accident last year, her train derailed off course"

"I'm sorry Clare"

"It's not your fault, my mom keeps packing Darcy's things then unpacking them each time we move."

"Each time"

"A month after Darcy died my dad died from an accident at work, my mom didn't want to stay in the same house with the memories of both of them so we moved into a different house, but near my school. The house had 4 rooms just like this one, one room for me, one for my mom, one for or Darcy, and one guest room."

"So why did you leave Bardell? Not that I mind you being here I've actually became quite fond of you." Eli stated

"I noticed and that brings me into the next chapter in my life." I said as I got up from her bed.

Eli wrapped his arm around my waist, kissed my temple and I started to walk as he let go of me so he could follow. I walked back into my room grabbed my iPod, then walked down stairs, put on my jacket, and my purse.

"Clare you're still in your pajamas and you don't have shoes on" Eli stated as I went into the closet

"I have flats right here" I said as I pointed them out. "Mom Eli and I are going to Clary we'll be back soon." I yelled as I took my keys off of the shelf next to the door

"Ok dear."

Eli opened my front door for me and closed it after he walked out. I watched him walk from my door and I used the remote to shut Clary's alarm off and unlock the doors. I got in on the drivers side and Eli sat in the passengers side. I put my keychain around my right ring finger and put my arms and head on the steering wheel.

"I missed you" I said hugging her steering wheel. "This is Clary she's my baby." I said looking at Eli.

I watched as he looked in shock around the car and glared at the pillow and blanket laying in the back.

"Sometimes when I can't sleep I come out here."

"So she's yours?"

"Named after me too, she's a 1999 Ford Mustang"

"I've noticed, but aren't Mustangs usually two doors with only two seats?"

"She's custom made, my picture was supposed to be on her hood, but I objected."

"So your nickname used to be Clary?"

I nodded

"You said your nicknames were Clare-bear, Baby Edwards, and Clarabelle" Eli stated

"That's because you would've asked who called me Clary and I didn't want to bring him up, but not I will"

"So the guy who called you Clary gave you this car?"

"N-Not exactly he owned it for about 6 months, then I got her, but her name was always Clary."

Eli mouthed and "oh" while I got Josh's picture out of my purse.

"Here's his picture Clary was his birthday present which he received 5 months before his sixteenth birthday so his dad could use her to teach him to drive."

I watched Eli study Josh's picture

"What's his name?"

"Josh"

Eli handed me back Josh's picture.

"We should go inside so I can get dressed."

"Ok"

Eli and I exited Clary to go inside I drug Eli back to my messy room.

"My bathroom's right here my mom likes to have a bathroom in every bedroom." I blabbered

I took a pair of skinny jeans in the bathroom along with a shirt and bra. Once I got dressed I walked back into my room to see Eli looking at my boxes.

"Eli can we go for a drive?" I asked

"Sure where to?"

"It's a surprise."

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**Please Review.**


	5. Letting Go and Moving On

"Mom Eli and I are going out we're taking Clary" I yelled

"Ok dear"

"Wait, wait you're driving?"

"Yes Eli I got my permit in Bardell and Josh used to take me driving."

Eli nodded and we left the house. When we got outside Eli parked Morty into the drive way in my mom's old parking spot, luckily we have a two car drive way and garage. We then got in Clary, put our seatbelts on Eli willingly put his on.

"Afraid we're get into an accident?" I asked Eli as I pulled out of the drive way

"No why?"

"Because you put your seatbelt on pretty fast." I giggled

"I've never actually been in the passenger side of a car with anyone driving besides my parents so it's a little weird."

I shrugged my shoulders and continued to drive. There was a silence, but it wasn't awkward or anything, but still I don't like getting lost in my thoughts.

"Hey Eli, can you get my iPod out of my purse and the car adapter out of the glove compartment." I said breaking the silence

I occasionally glanced to Eli as he went into my purse and then the glove compartment to get the adopter. Something fell out of the glove compartment as he took out the adaptor, but I didn't notice what it was.

"Wow Clare you look hott in this"

I stopped at a red light and Eli showed me the picture that fell out of my glove compartment. I was in a long baby blue v cut dress sitting in a chair while I buckled my white 2" heels smiling at the camera.

"I was putting on my shoes." I giggled at Eli's comment

"But still" Eli smirked as the light turned green.

"Ok iPod time Eli"

Eli hooked up my iPod as he started to turn it on.

"Fair warning my iPod is on shuffle."

Eli nodded and I let my arm lay on the center compartment between the driver and passenger seats as I drove onto the highway.

"So can I get a hint as to where you're taking me?"

"Back to my past. Theoretically of course."

"Here I was hoping to time travel and you shattered all my hopes and dreams." Eli said sarcastically

"Shut up Eli" I joked as I playfully hit his arm

"So how many times have you drove?"

"Honestly I don't remember why?"

"Because you're a really good driver like you've driven for a while and you drove better than me when I was fifteen."

"Well my first time driving I almost hit a stop sign" I admitted

"At least you didn't hit a living thing"

"Did you"

"Nope Morty was my first car like you I did my best not to crash" Eli said as he grabbed my hand that lay on the center compartment that I've always left closed and unused too afraid of what might be in there.

A little while later we reached the town I grew up in, the small town of Bardell.

"Welcome to Bardell" Eli said as he read the welcome sign

"Yup home sweet childhood" I giggled

"So this is your past that you've kept everyone out of?"

"Basically."

"So what happened here?" Eli asked

"You'll see soon. We're almost there"

A few minutes later we arrived at a cemetery.

"A cemetery Edwards, you couldn't pick somewhere… oh… I don't know…fun?" Eli said sarcastically as we entered

"Shut up Eli, you're the one that wants to know me and plus there are people that I want you to meet."

"I'm not quite exactly dressed to meet anyone in a cemetery" Eli stated

I glanced to Eli who wore a dead hand t-shirt, black blazer over top rolled past his elbows, black skinnies, and most likely the black converse he always wore.

"You'll be fine"

Since the cemetery didn't have a parking lot you basically drove where the graves were and parked near them. I parked near a large vast of graves and shut the ignition off.

"Ok lets go" I said as I put my keys in my purse then headed out of Clary

I walked to the passenger side as Eli got out and stretched from being in Clary for so long. I reached for his hand and he gladly accepted it and walked by my side. A few minutes later I stopped at a tombstone.

"Darcy Linn Edwards, your sister." Eli stated

I nodded, let go of Eli's hand, and knelt down in front of her tombstone with a hand on it.

"Hey Darc we miss you very much. I'm sorry I haven't visited in over nine months. Mom and I moved with Alli of course, we both met new friends, and I would like you to meet Eli" I said

Eli smirked and I motioned him to come closer and in return he put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed it.

"Hi Darcy I'm Eli, you have a very intelligent sister, but I'm pretty sure you know this."

Eli knelt next to me.

"Darcy I'm pretty sure you know as well as Clare about how I feel towards her since we kissed on more than one occasion-"

"I know how you feel about me Eli" I giggled and took his hands "I'm afraid to admit this, but I feel the same way which is why I bought you here" I said looking at Eli, then turned to Darcy's tombstone letting go of one of Eli's hands "Darcy we need to see Josh, but don't worry I'll say hi to dad first. I love you sis."

I let go of Eli's hand as we both stood up, the minute we were both on our feet Eli took my hand again and kissed me sweetly and chastely.

"So now to your dad" Eli said

We walked to the tombstone to the right of Darcy the one that read "Russell Liam Edwards"

I didn't kneel or walk as close to my dad's tombstone since I was getting hungry and knew talking to Josh would take longer.

"Hey dad, I'm sorry I didn't stop by often, but mom's doing ok and we're getting better. I love you, Eli here, and I are going to see Josh. I love you."

I tugged Eli's hand signaling I was ready to talk to Josh.

"So Josh, he's really important to you huh?"

"Yea" I said looking down. "But he's one of the reasons why I moved to Degrassi" I said quietly, but audible enough for Eli to hear

Eli nodded and looked down as well. I stopped walking a few moments later and let go of Eli's hand.

"Joshua Ryan Pennington." Eli said reading Josh's tombstone

I knelt down and placed my hand on Josh's tombstone gently rubbing my thumb on it.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't come see you and I'm taking care of Clary just like always. I had a dream about you last night and you looked at me as you played with your lip ring, but when I went to hug you, you stopped me and Eli walked from behind you. Josh I know what you meant to tell me in that dream you're telling me to be with Eli and I want to be with him too." I started to sob and Eli put his hand on my shoulder rubbing it. "But, you were my first love, we've been through everything, we've known each other for two years and dated for one of those years" I stopped and cried.

Eli knelt in front of me and took both of my hands in between his.

"Clare it's ok I've had a girlfriend Julia, but she left me after a year of dating. I told her to wait for me at her house while I went to the store, but instead she decided to bike ride and fell off her bike into oncoming traffic a year and a half ago I was devastated much like you are now, I was so bad I had to see a therapist to cope with her loss. If there's one thing I learned it's that Josh will always be in your heart just like Jules is always in mine. After Jules died I never thought I'd move on let alone be happy with someone else until I found you." Eli said as he wiped my tears away while a few tears fell down his cheeks that I wiped away in return.

I nodded and turned back to Josh.

"I love you Josh and always will I know that that it's right for me to move on with Eli and that it's what you wanted and I think it took this visit with Eli to tell me that." I looked to Eli with a faint smile as tears still streaked down my cheeks then back to Josh "I know you probably lead me to Eli and thank you. I won't let the memories of us fade I promise. I love you Josh always"

I let go and Eli and I stood up. When we were standing I looked to Josh one last time and Eli and I walked back to Clary.

"Clare are you sure you're really ready to move on with me and that you're over Josh? Because I can wait I mean" Eli babbled

"Eli I think I've been over Josh when I first met you and it feels as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders."

I felt mine and Eli's hands being placed together as we entwined them and continued to walk to Clary. Eli and I looked at our hands knowing what happened and looked to each other and smiled.

"Where to now?" Eli asked

"It's only 2:30 and I haven't eaten so we're going to the Chill Spot"

"The Chill Spot?"

"It's a hang out spot"

We got to Clary, hopped inside, buckled up, and pulled away. Just as we pulled off Avenged Sevenfold "Unholy Confessions" played on my iPod.

"Screamo Clare?" Eli chuckled

"I forgot I had them on here it's been so long since I've listened to this." I stated

Eli put his hand on the center compartment palm facing up for me to place my hand in his so I did.

"So Eli when did you first realize you liked me?"

"When you sat in my seat and I saw your beautiful blue eyes." Eli smirked looking at me, I blushed "So Edwards when did you realize you were falling for me?"

"God Eli you're so smug" I joked "but I'm not quite sure when I started to like you I've always tried to ignore their feelings, but I think it was when we started talking at the Dot and you pulled me into an embrace… I felt safe with you" I blushed as I said that

"Awe Clare" Eli teased "I feel happiest when I'm with you as cheesy as that sounds" Eli chuckled

"We're here" I said as pulled into a parking spot then shut off the ignition while Eli was looking out his window.

After letting go of Eli's hand I undid my seatbelt, exited Clary, and waited for Eli to make his way around to me. When Eli moved beside me I turned on the car alarm causing all the doors to lock and Eli looked at me puzzled because I didn't turn on the alarm at the cemetery.

"I don't get alone with everyone here and there are people who would kill Clary if she didn't have an alarm or if it was off which is why I didn't want you to drive Morty just incase."

Eli smiled faintly and grabbed my waist as we made our way inside.

The Chill Spot was more like a retro lounge than anything. Abstract paintings hung from the dark blue walls, some beanbags were thrown aimlessly against some walls with a small low to the ground the table between them mainly used if you wanted to study and read.

"This place is huge" Eli exclaimed as we walked to a table

"Clare-bear!" I heard Sav yell

"Sav" I yelled back.

Save immediately walked over and hugged me before I sat with Eli.

"So what brings you here and where's my sister assuming you didn't go to school."

"Well we're here because I needed to say good bye to Josh, and Alli's probably home now."

"So…" Sav said looking at Eli searching for a name

"Eli"

"So Eli what can I get you?"

"Cola and a burger with fries." Eli said

"Clare the usual for you?"

"Yea if you still have it and since when do you work here?"

"I started a few weeks ago actually"

Sav then left leaving Eli and I to ourselves.

"Clare!" I heard a familiar voice yell

I turned around to see Brad and immediately stood up and hugged him.

"Brad long time no see how's college?"

"Not bad, but mom she found your equipment it's in the back of my car I was actually coming to get your address off of Sav, but you're here. Did you bring Clary?"

"Of course let me get my keys and you can put my equipment in there."

I turned back to Eli who looked puzzled

"Eli this is Brad, Josh's older brother, Brad this is Eli my current boyfriend."

Eli nodded as he sipped on his Cola guess Sav bought out our drinks when Brad and I were talking. I gave Brad my keys.

"Wait until Fitz finds out if he stops by… I'm going to put your equipment in Clary should I follow to unload it at your house?"

"I guess, I could always get used to using it again to help with stress like I used to, but who's going to help you carry it inside? And lets hope Fitz doesn't"

I sat back down with Eli and kissed him chastely.

"Clare you're back did you realize you miss me?" Fitz said stilling next to me

Eli looked pissed

"No I didn't."

"So you're not back to because you finally realized you want to be with me?"

"No Fitz like I told you before I want nothing to do with you"

"Dammit Clare! I've waited over nine months for you and I had to watch you date Josh"

"You tried to break us up saying that you'll get the same piercings he had which never mattered to me and I believe he kicked your ass"

"Well anyway I love you and always had" Fitz stated

Eli looked like he wanted to beat the crap out of Fitz, but I gave him a look saying not to and our food came thank God

"Fitz I'm dating Eli now I can't believe you didn't notice him"

"I noticed him, but you're dating him like for real?"

"Yes I bought him here to open up to him no please leave before I get Brad"

Fitz walked out and Eli moved a little closer to me.

"I don't like him" Eli stated

"Neither do I" I said

"Here Clare your equipment is in Clary I'll follow you to your new home when you leave."

"Ok, but we'll need help unloading it" I stated

"Eli looks like he can lift you Clare, he'll have no problem helping me"

"Um I don't weigh 160 pounds"

Eli looked at Brad in shock as he chewed his food

"I'll be helping you" Brad stated Eli nodded.

"What equipment do you have Clare?"

"Alli and I had to take a sport and Josh signed me up for Boxing with him and Alli signed up because we stick together."

"I can't imagine Alli or you boxing."

'Believe me we can."

Eli, Brad, and I talked while we ate and once we left Brad followed us home. Eli and I took time to learn about each other on the way home. I told Eli how I'd always run away and move, how I moved all summer, and how I'm staying at Degrassi because I no longer feel the need to run. I learned about Eli and he learned about me. Before we knew it we were at my house. We kissed before we exited Clary.

"Why is there a hearse in the drive?" Brad asked

"Oh that's Eli's and Brad I just noticed it was kinda dumb for you to move my Boxing equipment into Clary if you were planning on following us."

"I know, but I needed a excuse to look in the trunk."

"You could've asked and for what?"

"Well I thought Josh left my hoodie back there, but all I found was yours"

"Mine?"

"Yea" Brad threw my hoodie at me which was pink and had "Mess With Me I'll Kick Your Ass" written across it Josh bought it for me.

"That's so appropriate for school tomorrow" Eli chuckled

"I'll get in trouble if I wear this and Alli and I are trying not to get into too much trouble as is."

"Ok so where should we put the equipment?" Brad asked

"The guest bedroom."

I opened the trunk and both Brad and Eli carried up my punching bag and I carried up my gloves all of the equipment was pink indicating it was also from Josh. The boys set up the punching bag in the middle of the guest bedroom since there wasn't a bed in there and my mom had allowed it until she remodels the basement.

After the boys set up the equipment they both left. Eli said he'd stay longer if he could, but he had to go home for dinner seeing it was already 5:30 and his parents would be worried about him. He kissed me goodbye before leaving. Then Alli appeared stepping out of my room.

"So what's going on with you and Eli? Are you finally over Josh and yes your mom told me you took Eli to Bardell so does he know everything?"

"Yes Alli, I'm over Josh, Eli knows everything, and we're dating"

Alli squealed and made me tell her all the details at dinner. After dinner I went into my room to homework that Alli bought me while Alli went home to do hers.

_Riing Riing_

"Hi Eli"

"Hey Edwards how are you?"

"Pretty good, just finished homework that Alli bought me, what's up?"

"Nothing much wondering about what your rings mean"

"What do you man by that?"

"Well with my rings my black one that I sometimes wear I bought it was the first piece of jewelry I bought for myself, the one on my right ring finer my mom bought me for my 16th birthday along with Morty. See each ring is symbolic to something."

"Ok, well I'm pretty sure you don't want to know the meaning of my rings" I stated

"Clare, there's nothing that's going to make me look at you differently or anything I want to be with you no matter what."

"Ok well the ring on my right thumb that never moves is Josh's purity ring enough said, and all the other rings I own came from Josh, besides Darcy's rings which I only wore once I don't wear them too often."

"Ok so I'm guessing Josh has your purity ring right?"

"Yes sorry if that's a problem"

"Clare it's not I'll be honest I'm not really a virgin either"

"Ok then I don't feel so bad." I giggled

Eli and I talked on the phone for a little while after that and then we both went to sleep.

* * *

**Please Review. **


	6. Official

I woke up this morning at 6am with a smile on my face for once. I felt happy and didn't need to feign joy anymore. I'm happy I'm with Eli and I feel like Josh is watching over me and smiling. I got dressed in my short shorts and a black sports bra, I put on my iPod and went into the guest room to practice my boxing a little after I cleaned my room which I forgot about last night with all the excitement. I normally woke up at 4am to practice when I took it at Bardell because the coach was strict. I don't really fight I just like the workout from it plus it's good for self-defense which is why Josh enrolled me.

I put on Avenged Sevenfold and put my iPod in the arm band that I have for when I used to jog, jump rope, you know all the workouts that came with boxing to stay fit. I practiced punching the punching bag for an hour and went to shower at 7:00. After my shower I got dressed into a pretty light blue v neck shirt and some blue skinny jeans with black flats. I grabbed my phone and noticed I had a text message.

_Edwards I'll pick you up for school?_

_Eli _

I immediately replied

_Alli too?_

_~Clare~_

I put down the phone and started brushing my hair

_Buzz Buzz _

_Took you long enough. Alli too if I must and I'll drop her off after school, but in return you have to go on a date with me. _

_Eli_

I smiled

_Deal and I was showering I decided to practice boxing again you know for the exercise. _

_~Clare~_

I started to brush my hair again when my phone vibrated, but I ignored it for now since I still have to finish getting ready for school.

"Clare so is Eli driving you to school since you're dating?"

"Yes he said he'll take you too"

"Clare didn't you said he drives a hearse?"

"Yea named Morty"

"And you really expect me to go inside a hearse?"

"Fine I'll text him asking if we can take Clary"

"Thank you"

I opened the text that Eli had sent me.

_Ok so our first official date dinner and a movie sound good or would you rather do something different like a carnival?_

_Eli_

_Carnival and Alli wants to take Clary she said there's no way she's getting in Morty so if you want he can stay in the garage and we can switch cars for our date. Sorry it took so long to reply I had to get ready still. _

_~Clare~_

"Ok I told him."

Eli came over right as soon as Alli and I made bagels. We quickly shoved them in our mouths and ran out the door. We took Clary and Eli parked Morty in the driveway instead of the garage. Eli complained about not driving Morty to school, but I told him that he didn't have to pick me up.

I drove Clary and Eli sat in the passenger seat not liking it. Adam was waiting on the steps of Degrassi as I parked Clary. After everyone exited my baby I turned her alarm on, Eli wrapped his arms around me, Alli rolled her eyes happily, and we walked towards Adam.

"I didn't think you drove" Adam stated

"I have my permit and Eli has his license so I guess I'm back to driving now" I stated

"So time to get ready for a boring day at school" Alli stated as we all walked inside.

"So does this mean Clare's driving us to the Dot?" Adam asked

"Yea" Eli said

"I'm driving Eli to my house after school too because Morty's there" I giggled

Eli walked me to first period, picked me up after, and we walked to English together I went to walk inside, but Eli stopped and pulled my hand making me face him, I looked at him as he moved towards me and I watched as he turned his head as he moved closer, I did the same and we started kissing passionately before we entered the room it was unlike any kisses that Josh and I shared that was for damn sure.

The kisses with Eli were so soft so gentle unlike the ones for Romeo and Juliet, these ones were so full of emotion, so raw, the way his tongue moved in and out of my mouth made me want more. Eli pulled away and smiled I smiled back and blushed as we walked into the classroom I ran my fingers over my lips still feeling his lips on mine.

Class surprisingly went by pretty fast and I drove all of us to the Dot. After lunch we went back to school dreading it mainly because I wanted the day to be over, but happy because it was going by so fast. It's now last period gym.

Alli and I walked into the girls changing room together and started to dress into our gym uniforms.

"Tell me how we can't take a sport like we did in Bardell?" I asked Alli

"Because Clare this is Degrassi and apparently here in Degrassi they like us to mingle"

"Oh I'm going on a date with Eli later"

"Oh where to?"

"The carnival"

"Do I get to dress you?"

"I was planning on wearing this since Morty's at our house"

"Clare, Clare, Clare you need to wear something sexy, plus we're in gym you'll need to shower. Just have Eli wait in your room and tell him that the letters between you and Josh are untouchable unless he wants to get hurt"

"Yea they're packed up and hidden."

"Ok well lets go since I'm all dressed"

Alli and I walked into the gym and sat on the bleachers waiting for instructions.

"Ok class today we're playing basketball to practice our free throws" Coach Armstrong announced

Alli and I groaned

"I suck at basketball"

"Don't worry so do I and I'm pretty sure someone will help there's a cute boy over there maybe I can get him to help me on my free throw see ya" Alli said as she walked over to some jock

I grabbed a ball and walked to a basketball net that didn't have too many people and took a free throw and totally missed.

"Here let me help you" someone said from behind me

I felt hands on my arms guiding me as I threw the ball I made a basket

"I made it" I squealed then turned to see who helped me. "Thank you…."

"KC"

"Thank you KC." I said looking at the tall boy in front of me

"So you're new here?"

"Well I've been here for about a week, but I'm Clare"

"I know, I've been trying to talk to you for that week, I've seen you in a few of my classes you mainly hang out with Adam right?"

"Well him and Eli during school Alli after and on weekends."

"So what lunch do you have?"

"Third"

"Same here, but I don't see you there."

"That's because I drove Eli and Adam to the Dot today"

"You drive, but aren't you like fifteen or did your birthday pass during the summer?"

"No I'm fifteen I have a permit and Eli has his license so I'm able to drive my car when Eli's with me"

"You have a car?"

"Yup she's a 1999 Ford custom made four door mustang"

"How about we spend time after school and get to know each other?"

"Sorry I'm not interested"

"Come on give me a chance"

"What if I already have a boyfriend"

"Yea and who would that be? How would be good enough to date you besides me?"

"Eli"

"You're dating that goth kid?"

"More like emo and yes"

"Just hang out with me and I'll help you take your mind off of him are you free tomorrow?"

"Eli's got me booked sorry."

"Doing what?"

"What normal couples do like spend time with each other."

"We how about we become friends"

"And let you try to take me from Eli, no thanks"

"What if I make you?"

"I'll hurt you." I said coldly

KC chuckled

"You can't hurt me"

"Wanna bet" I said as I clenched my fist

"Clare how about you calm down and we go talk to Drew or something?" Alli said as she grabbed my shoulders

"Or I could deck KC and make him realize not all girls are interested in him."

"I'd like to see you in my bed how about we arrange that even if by force"

With that I moved out of Alli's grip and punched him right in his stomach causing him to bend over then I punched him in the face causing him to fall as blood spurted out of him.

"Hey what happened to KC?" Coach announced

"Well he made some rude remarks to Clare here and she basically beat the shit out of him" Drew chuckled as he held back laughter

"KC I told you your mouth could get you in trouble" I heard someone say as Alli walked me in to the locker room.

"Clare do you feel better?"

"Yes I do in a matter of fact"

I got changed out of my gym uniform and walked back out into the gym with my book bag and purse.

"Clare please go to the principals office with Drew to file your statements." Coach Armstrong said

"I witnessed it too" Alli stated

"I'll take your statement here since I can't let three kids out of the gym."

I grabbed my belongings and Drew and I walked out of the gym.

"Was KC a friend of yours?" I asked

"Not really more of an acquaintance"

"Ok"

"Hey Edwards I hope you're not skipping class without me." Eli stated

"No off to the principals office wait for me after school still?"

"Sure why and why are you with Drew?"

"She totally kicked KC's ass" Drew chuckled

"Yea now there's blood on my uniform."

"Wow Maggie(1)" Eli chucked

"Clare we have to get to the principals office"

Eli chuckled and looking behind me. I turned around to see a limping KC as he walked holding his stomach and a cloth to his face.

"KC how does it feel getting the shit beat out of you by a girl?" Eli asked

"How does it feel knowing your girl beat the shit out of me?"

"Actually I feel happy knowing I don't have to worry about guys trying to take advantage of her while I'm not around."

"So KC you never answered Eli's question how does it feel knowing Clare kicked your ass?" Drew asked

"Shut up." KC said as he walked to the nurses office

"We gotta go to the principals office." I stated

"Ok Edwards"

Eli walked over to me, put his arms around me, and kissed me slowly, but passionately. Drew cleared his throat.

"I'll see you after school Clare." Eli stated

Drew and I walked to Mr. Simpson's office, went inside shortly after, and sat down in front of his desk.

"I seen Mr. Guthrie and Ms. Edwards did you really beat him up or are you covering for someone?"

"No sir" I said

Mr. Simpson looked at Drew who was holding back laughter

"She really beat him up sir I watched it was rather funny"

"What did he do?"

"He basically threatened to rape me."

"Is that true Mr. Torres?"

"Well Clare said something like "I'm not leaving Eli' and KC said 'What if I make you' then I missed a few parts and KC said 'I'd like to see you in my bed how about we arrange that even if by force' so he did threaten to rape her if you look at it that way"

"Ok now that I have all the information needed I'm letting you off with a warning don't take matters into your own hands and Mr. Guthrie will have his classes changed. Head back to class"

"Thank you"

Drew nodded and we walked back into the hallway.

"I'm happy I didn't get in too much trouble"

"I still find it funny you kicked KC's ass"

"He was being an ass"

"He's always like that"

"Oh"

"So does your little friend Alli drive too?"

"No she doesn't. She wanted to get her permit, but decided not to since she didn't have a car." I said

"Clare I missed you" I heard someone yell

I turned around to see Fi.

"I've missed you too Fi what are you doing here?" I said as we hugged

"Well my parents moved again and now Declan and I go here"

"Oh joy" I said sarcastically

"Who's this" Fi asked

"Oh that's Drew who should be getting to gym so he can change before the bell rings"

"Right" Drew said then walked away

"Well if it isn't Clare Edwards" Declan said as he walked towards Fi and I

"Well if it isn't Mr. Declan Coyne" I stated with my arms crossed

"What no hug"

"Ugh"

I hugged Declan.

"Welcome to Degrassi" I stated

"Thank you" They both said

"So Clare what's new" Declan asked as we started to walk around

"Nothing really I almost got in trouble and I have a boyfriend now"

"Really Clare you moved on like seriously?" Fi asked

"Yea" I said

"Well I would like to meet the chap that is dating you because I was hoping to date you" Declan stated

"Well Mr. Moneybags not everything you want to happen happens plus I wasn't aware that you were interested in me."

"Well I don't make my feelings really noticeable until I'm sure of them, but by then you were gone"

The bell than rang as we moved outside of Eli's room

"Well I've taking a big liking to Eli"

"Heard my name" Eli said from behind me, then kissed my cheek.

"Eli meet Fiona and Declan Coyne" I said as we started walking

"Well he certainly has his own style"

"Declan!" I said in a raised voice

"Decs if Clare likes him we need to accept him or hold your tongue" Fi said

"Friends from Bardell I'm guessing?" Eli asked

"Yes both are from Bardell"

"We go way back" Declan said

"Yea back to freshman year" I giggled

"Well we missed you either way."

"Thanks Fi" I said as I got to our lockers

"Hey Clare and Eli" Adam said

"Hey Adam"

"What did that guy do walk into a wall?" Declan asked as Eli and I entered the combo to our lockers

We all looked to KC as he walked outside. Eli and I laughed

"So Maggie how was Simpson's office?"

"Maggie?"

"Female version of Rocky" I stated

Fi mouthed an "oh"

"He basically threatened to rape me"

"You never told me that" Eli said angrily

"You never asked"

"Well, I think we should get going" Eli stated

"Ready Clare" Alli said not even noticing Fi and Declan

"Ready." I said "Bye Fi bye Declan I guess I'll see you Monday"

We drove home listening to my iPod as we talked.

"So Eli would you mind waiting for Clare in her room while she showers and I dress her?"

"Not at all"

"Ok well while I pick out Clare's clothes you can watch TV or something."

"Ok" Eli said

We got to my house shortly later and all three of us ran inside as I turned Clary's car alarm on.

"Mom Eli's here and the three of us are going to my room!" I yelled as Alli chased me up the stairs Eli walked

"Ok hunny"

"Clare you're moving too slow hurry" Alli said

"I'm already in my room"

"You're supposed to be in the shower"

"I need clothes"

"Don't worry about that I'll bring them in when I find them."

"Ok" I said giving up

I dropped my purse off as Eli entered the room and ran into my bathroom turning the shower on. I started to put the shampoo on and I heard the door open.

"Eli no peeking" Alli giggled then the door closed

"I'm leaving your clothes on the toilet seat for when you come out and you can't object. Eli hasn't seem them yet and hurry up and Eli didn't try to peek I was joking he's still sitting on your bed watching TV." Alli stated

"Alli I'm just starting to wash my body I'm sorry I'm not super woman and I know Eli wouldn't try to peek or anything he's a gentleman just don't tell him"

Alli laughed

"Ok I'm going to get your make up ready"

"Ok have fun"

I listened to Alli yell at Eli again as she shut the door.

I finished my shower, dried off, put on the light blue denim mini that hugged my hips, and a baby blue v neck shirt that had a white rhinestone studded skull on the center. I put my dirty clothes in the hamper that stood next to my bath tub.

"Ok all dressed" I said as I left the bathroom.

"God Clare you look hott in that" Eli said

"If you think she looks hott now just wait until I get done with her." Alli stated

Eli turned back to watch some movie that was obviously scary since you can hear people screaming luckily I couldn't see it.

"Put these on" Alli said as she handed me a pair of white flats

I put them on and then some diamond earrings my mom had given me.

"Ok now make up"

Alli did my make up then she did my hair.

"All done"

I stood up and got a jacket along with my purse not knowing how long Eli and I would be gone for.

"Ready Eli"

"Damn Clare you look amazing" Eli said

"I told you she'd look better"

"Alli no offense, but Clare looks beautiful everyday"

"Awe thank you Eli"

"Ok love birds no funny business since this is your first date"

"I know Alli and stop being sarcastic"

Eli took my hand as we made our way downstairs.

"Mom I'm going on a date with Eli" I said as we walked out

"Curfew is at midnight if you're going to be late call"

"I will"

Eli and I left the house and walked to Morty.

"Your hearse awaits" Eli said as he held my door open for me.

"Thank you"

Eli smirked at me and shut my door after I got in.

"Ok so I was thinking we could either eat at the Dot, the Carnival, or both"

"How far is the carnival from the dot?"

"About an hour"

"How about the Dot and are you sure you have enough money?"

"Yes"

"Ok"

Eli and I held hands as he drove to the Dot.

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**Please Review and let me know what you think.**


	7. Carnival

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about Degrassi.**

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Eli and I were on our way to the Dot when my phone started to ring.

"It's Alli I gotta take it." I said Eli nodded

"Hey Alli what's up?" I asked

"Um I found a little yellow and light blue box that you and Josh both made…" Alli trailed off.

"Don't throw it away and keep it hidden. I don't want those memories right now, but they're too precious to lose." I stated sort of sadly.

"I will." Alli replied

"Thanks and bye." I said, then hung up.

Eli rubbed my hand.

"Is everything all right?" He asked

I nodded and smiled faintly at him. I forgot about the memories that went along with the box. It was thanks to Josh because we both forgot about them since it was one of the hardest things that happened to both of us. All my memories started to come back.

"Clare are you ok?" Eli asked

I nodded slowly. In all reality I need my binder. It's the one thing I usually always have.

"You sure?" Eli asked

"Just thinking about where I put my binder, but I'll be ok." I stated

"What's with that thing?" Eli asked

"It contains poems I used to write. It contains everything. Hey Eli, could we just eat at the carnival?" I asked

"Anywhere you want." Eli replied as he turned down a road

"Thank you."

"So about this binder will I ever get to read some of your poems?"

"I don't know. Alli bought back a painful part of my past that I didn't want to remember I managed to block it out until now." I said

"Maybe some things just aren't best forgotten."

"I wasn't trying to forget, but I didn't want to remember at the same time. It's kinda hard to explain, but ever have a time when you thought you messed up your whole life, but then it turned out to be really great and you became very happy, but then it got taken away?" I asked

"Clare you're being cryptic and I'm not sure I follow, but I think I'd be racking my brain about it and trying to forget about it and eventually I would."

"Great now make that thing so great you want to forget about it, but not permanently."

"So where I could go back and remember it if I wanted?" Eli asked with a slight smirk

"Yes." I exclaimed

"I'm sorry that's happened to you, but hopefully it'll be better." Eli muttered softly

"It's not something everyone knows about." I stated

Eli continued to rub my hand.

"There it is we're here." I cheered excitedly as I seen the carnival

"Clare calm down we'll be getting out soon enough." Eli chuckled.

I rolled my eyes at him as I unbelted my seatbelt as he parked.

"Ready?"

"Do you even have to ask?" I giggled anxiously

Eli got out of his side of the car and opened my door. I grabbed his hand and we jogged into the carnival to the ticket booth.

I stood next to Eli when I heard a baby crying from behind me causing me to turn around.

"Hey Clare I didn't expect to see you here." Jessica said

"Hey who's baby?" I asked

"Oh I'm babysitting I'd ask you to hold her, but you know."

"I'll be fine." I said

She held out the baby and I took her in my arms and the minute I did her crying stopped.

"Who's a good little girl?" I asked as she held my finger in her hands

"Clare you ready?" Eli asked

"No I want to spend more time with the baby if that's ok." I stated

Eli looked at the baby in my arms and smiled at me as I moved next to Jess so she can get her tickets.

"Oh Eli this is Jess, Josh's cousin and Jess this is Eli my boyfriend." I stated

"Nice to meet you and you better take care of Clare she's been through more than what she's led on I'm sure." Jess said "Oh this is Tony he's my boyfriend."

I nodded at him as he waited for the tickets and the baby in my arms played with my hands, grabbing each of my fingers and feeling them with hers.

"Here I think it's time for me to give her back." I said to Jess

"You can hold her for a little."

"N-No I can't I'm sorry. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't."

"I understand and I shouldn't have let you hold her in the first place." Jess said sadly as she took the baby.

Once Jess held the baby, she started screaming.

"Clare you would've been a wonderful mom." Jess whispered in my ear.

I nodded and an involuntary tear fell down my face. Eli brushed it away with his thumb.

"I'll talk to you both later." I mumbled as we turned away

"What did she tell you?"

"It doesn't matter. Can we just have fun and forget about this, forget about the baby?" I asked

"Sure. You're really good with babies Clare."

"Can we not bring up the word baby or anything dealing with them?" I asked aggravated

"Sure. We'll talk about it some other time lets have fun. What do you want to go on first?"

"Um the Scrambler." I chimed

"Ok, then the fun house."

I looked at the big house which seemed like it was harmless "Ok" I said

Eli and I made our way to the Scrambler, after that we went in the fun house which wasn't that bad it was boring though we got lost in the hall of mirrors, and I lost my balance on the moving sidewalk, then I chose the bumper cars.

"Ok next I say we get our fortunes." Eli said

"Eli I'd rather not." I stated

"It'll be fun go in I'll wait here." he encouraged

"Fine."

I went in and put ten tickets on the table.

"I know why you're here." She said catching me off guard

"Really?" I said taking a seat.

"A lovely gentleman decided upon it and I also know what you're looking for."

She was starting to creep me out.

"I don't need your tickets so keep them. It's on the house since it's the least I can do."

I nodded, picked up the tickets, and she looked at me.

"Don't you need my palm or something?" I asked

"No not for this I know how much hurt you've gone through and all the loss, but things are going to look up for you. You've been through a lot for such a pretty girl at your age. Stay with the gentleman you're dating now and open up to him he's not going anywhere."

Can you say creepy?

"Do you want to know your future?"

I nodded and she gathered some things from around her tent.

"I don't do this for everyone, but I know what you've gone through and I want you to know the happiness that lies ahead for you."

"How do you know I'll be happy?" I asked

"Well you won't at first, there will be bumpy roads, but all will lead to happiness."

"Thank you after hearing that I'd rather just let the future come as it wants."

"Ok, bye bye future Mrs. Goldsworthy." She smiled

I nodded to her smiled and left. I'm going to marry Eli? I thought.

"How did it go?" Eli asked

I smiled at him and kissed him.

"Did you want to go in?" I asked

"Not my style." Eli said

"Eli you made me go in." I stated

"Seemed like you needed it."

"Thank you." I said

"Want to eat?" Eli asked as we started walking to the concession stand

"Yes."

"What doe you want?"

"Um a corn dog and fries."

When we got to the stand Eli ordered the food and we sat down to eat.

"So the fortune teller basically told me to open up to you."

"Really?" Eli asked with a raised eyebrow

"Well she said that you won't go anywhere."

"And she's right I'm not."

"I just can't tell you right now I'll have to tell you tomorrow when you stop by." I said

"That's fine, you can tell me anytime you want."

I nodded as we finished eating.

"Ready to go?" I asked after we finished

Eli nodded and we cleaned up.

"Tonight was wonderful." Eli stated

"It was and thank you."

We walked back to Morty hand in hand.

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**Cliff hanger...I know. Any predictions about Clare's secret? Hmm Yellow and Light Blue box made by both her and Josh, Clare's way with babies...makes you think...**


	8. Chasing Cars

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or it's characters, however I do own the poems. **

**A/N: I am not experienced in the things Clare went through so I'm sorry if the poems suck I did my best and though they should be in here. Congrats for Smoudy97 for having the right prediction. I hope you enjoy this update. It's a little fluffy.**

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I woke up like usual, got dressed, and ate breakfast. Alli had come over with the box Josh and I had made like requested.

"And you're sure you want to do this?" She asked as we sat on my bed, my box and binder between us.

"Yes, I can't expect everything to be hidden forever and I'll have to come to accept this, just like I've accepted Josh's passing, my dad's death, and Darcy's accident."

Alli nodded and I took my binger in my arms.

"As much as you keep that with you and cherish it, I'm still surprised you haven't opened it for almost two years."

I nodded remembering everything it holds. I sat it on my lap, ran my fingers over the cover as if I'd lose this too. I know I have to open so I did and Alli watched intently. I ran my fingers over the divider tabs. There were five of them one labeled Josh, one baby, one for family, one for poems I wrote about anything in general, and even one for blank paper.

"What time is Eli coming?" Alli asked softly

I looked at the clock on my nightstand "It's 11:58 now, he should be here soon." I said as I closed my binder and let it lay on my lap.

As if on cue my mom yelled "Clare, Eli's here."

I looked over to Alli "Send him up." I yelled back.

"Call me and let me know how it goes?"

I nodded at her and looked at my bed. Alli left as Eli walked in. I didn't move my eyes from the bed, but I felt his presence as he entered.

"Come sit." I mumbled as I continued to look at my binder and my box.

Eli sat down next to me.

"You can look at the items." I whispered

Eli gently picked up the box as if he were going to break it.

"Did you make this box too?"

I nodded.

"There's no name on it." He whispered as his hand ghost over the top of it.

"I know. The name was supposed to be added at a later date."

Eli took my hand "You don't have to tell me about this part of your past I know it's hard for you." he said as he set the box down on the bed.

"I have to, like you said it's the past and I have to accept it rather than run like I've been for two years."

"So you were with Josh when this even took place?"

I nodded.

"And he didn't help you?" I could hear a little anger in Eli's voice as he asked.

I shook my head "He ran from it too and after a while we just stopped remembering I guess we lived our lives like it never happened, then he got sick and the memories were pushed in the back of my mind. My life soon became revolved about helping Josh get better."

Eli nodded as I took the box in my hands and giggled a little as the memory of making it started to come back.

"_Clary you have to put a mask on if you're going to stand by me when I carve the wood." I giggled and put a hospital mask on. _

"_All done, now we have a third box to the addition." Josh said as he blew off the access dust from the top. _

"_I want to use yellow." I said _

"_And I'll use light blue and you still need to have the mask on." _

"Alli said this box was little, but it's bigger than the ones Josh and I made for each other." I stated

"I wonder what Alli calls big?" Eli chuckled.

I shrugged knowing that was a rhetorical question.

"You can look through these." I said handing Eli my box and binder.

He nodded, set the box in front of him, and opened my binder. I watched as he turned to the tab labeled "Baby". I read the poem with him and glanced at him occasionally.

_Little baby floating inside me_

_I hope you know I'll do anything to make you happy_

_I chose not to abort you_

_Because that's something I cannot do. _

_I know I made the right choice _

_And in a few months I'll be able to hear your little voice_

_Daddy and I are happy to know you're coming soon _

_When you get here we'll be a family and you'll have your own room. _

_2 months _

"You were pregnant?"

I nodded "Read the next one." I whispered

I watched as Eli turned the page and started reading.

_I'm three months pregnant now _

_And you're not doing so good_

_I promise to follow the doctor's orders _

_And do everything I should. _

_I promise to relax more _

_And not to run so much_

_I long for the day you arrive_

_And to feel your touch._

_I'm eating healthy foods for you_

_So you get your nourishment_

_Daddy's been taking care of us_

_He's even trying to find an apartment. _

"I fell asleep writing it." I chuckled

Without a word Eli turned the page to the last poem

_I don't know why you were taken from us_

_I just know you're no longer here_

_Daddy and I had everything planned for you_

_Now reality is crystal clear_

_I just wish I could have seen your face_

_Or heard your cries, or even held you in my arms_

_I did everything I could to the best of my ability _

_I stayed inside and kept you out of harm _

_Carrying you and wanting you is not something I regret_

_I wish you were still with me_

_But all I have left of you besides pictures and memories_

_Is the empty spot inside of my body where you used to be_

_I know I didn't plan for you in the beginning _

_But I wish we still could've met_

_Now every time I think of you and cry_

_Half of the tears are yours that make my pillow wet_

"Clare I'm so sorry." Eli whispered as he shut my binder and set it on the bed

"It's not your fault Eli." I whispered back

I looked down and rubbed my belly thinking that's where my baby used to be. I felt Eli move off my bed, watched as he walked over to my dresser, and put his iPod in my iPod dock, pressed a few buttons, walked over to me and held out his hand. In return I placed my hand in his, he helped me up off the bed, led me into the middle of my room, and pressed the play button.

He moved his arms to my waist, I moved mine around his neck, and we started slow dancing to the music.

_We'll do it allEverythingOn our ownWe don't needAnythingOr anyone _

I smiled at Eli as we danced to it and laid my head on him, he took his shoes off while we were dancing, then removed my hands from his neck, and laid on my bed. I stood in front of my dresser where he left me confused.

"If I lay here, if I just lay here will you lie with me and just forget the world?" Eli sang holding his arms out for me.

I smiled and crawled in my bed, moved my box and binder to my nightstand, and laid with him. He wrapped his arms around me and I put my head on his chest as we continued to listen to the song. After the song ended his iPod shut off and we continued to just lay there.

"Clare I'm sorry for everything you've been through and I promise to give you the best future possible."

I nodded. "So tell me about your past." I whispered

"Not really much to tell I've lived here my whole life, I became friends with Adam when he moved here two years ago, I dated someone for a little while then she moved, and now I'm with you." Eli said prior to kissing my temple.

We lay in silence again not wanting to say much.

"Clare it's Saturday, Clary needs to be washed remember." she yelled

"Yes mom I'll get changed now." I yelled back. "You can stay here if you want." I said to Eli

"I'll help besides I always keep a spare change of clothes in Morty."

"Hey we could wash him too." I stated happily.

I went into my bathroom and changed into my bikini. I wrapped a robe around me and then went back in my room.

"You're wearing a robe to wash cars?" Eli chuckled

"No the robe comes off outside and I'm happy it's still hot out." I said

Eli chuckled. I put on my flip-flops and walked to my door.

"Ready?" I asked Eli

He got up and walked over to me. When we got down stairs my mom was in the living room. I took my keys out of my purse, moved to the window, shut Clary's alarm off, and put my keys back.

"Mom we're going to wash our cars now." I stated

"Ok I parked in the garage so Eli can move his hearse in the spot."

"Thanks mom."

"You're welcome and everything's all set up outside."

Eli and I walked out side and I noticed two towels draped over the railing.

"Guess my mom assumed I was helping you." Eli chuckled

"Guess so" I said.

I took off my robe and placed it on top of one of the towels, then looked at Eli.

"You can stop drooling now." I giggled sarcastically

Eli turned away went into Morty and pulled him into the drive way while I took my off my flip flops. I noticed Eli had on his shoes so he must've put them back on when I was in the bathroom. After Eli pulled Morty into the driveway he took his shoes and socks off not wanting to get them wet, then shut the door leaving them inside.

I stated to wash Clary as Eli washed Morty we didn't really talk, but we exchanged smiles and glances. I giggled a few times when Eli smiled at me. I got a soapy sponge and continued to watch Clary and I seen Eli on the opposite side of her as he washed Morty. I slammed my sponge on the hood getting soapy water on both of us.

"Sorry." I giggled as Eli turned around

"Really?" Eli asked with a raised eyebrow

I smirked at him playfully.

"Yea well then…oops." Eli said as he threw water on me.

"Eli" I shrieked

"I said oops."

"Well if that's the way you want it."

I walked over to the bucket closest to me, soaked my sponge, and threw soapy water on Eli. He started chasing me and I ran giggling as I dipped my sponge into my bucket of soapy water. He managed to catch me, his hand was wrapped around my waist as I faced him, I realized I still had my wet sponge in my hand, Eli put his over my head and squeezed it soaking me, then he walked away.

"Oh Eli." I chimed

He turned around and I threw my sponge at his chest nailing him with it.

"Really Clare, really?"

I shrugged my shoulders and giggled. Eli threw my sponge back at me and it ended up hitting my chest.

"Ok our cars need our attention now." I explained

"I agree."

We went back to cleaning our cars and since Clary is smaller than Morty I finished washing her and it was time for me to rinse her off. I grabbed the hose and immediately went for the roof the water splashed off of the roof.

"Clare I'm soaked." Eli groaned

I watched as he walked over to me and I laughed as he came into view.

"It's not funny."

"I'm sorry?"

"Of course you are."

I crossed my hands over my chest still holding the hose as Eli walked towards me.

"Revenge time Clare." He said deviously causing me to back up instantly

"Wha-what are you going to do?" I stuttered

"Oh nothing really. I just want a hug."

"Eli you're soaked!"

"And who's fault do you think that is."

I backed up as Eli walked towards me and yes he eventually hugged me, pressing his body tightly against mine, we kissed for a few moments and I dropped the hose to wrap my arms around him. He pulled apart moments later.

"Eli!" I shrieked as he soaked me with the hose.

"Revenge Clare-bear, now you're as soaked as I am." He chuckled.

I was dripping wet and we finished cleaning the cars. It took us about an hour to finish. Once we were done Eli took out his bag of spare clothes, and wrapped himself in a towel as we went inside. I had on my robe and my hood.

"Good to see you kids got cleaned too." My mom laughed

I rolled my eyes at her playfully and flashed her a sarcastic smile.

"We should really get out of our wet clothes."

"Eli are you staying for dinner?"

Eli looked at me as if he were asking my permission and I shrugged.

"I guess I am." he smiled at me.

"Oh Alli's on a date with someone named Drew so she won't be joining."

I sighed then, Eli and I went to change he changed in the bathroom and I changed in my room. When we were done changing we sat on my bed and watched TV.

"Clare can I ask you something?" Eli asked nervously

"Sure anything." I replied as I snuggled against him.

"I know this is personal and you don't have to answer-" Eli rambled

"Eli it doesn't matter the subject just ask."

"About the baby were they mad?"

I paused for a moment letting the memories come back.

"Well Josh was excited. I didn't even realize anything I didn't even know actually. We were eating in the car which was a treat, while I was eating I opened the door and got sick. I told Josh that I thought it was the flu he mentioned that flu it wasn't flu season since it was August. Well he was excited after the test came back and immediately took me to the doctor to confirm and when they did he rushed me to his parents house hoping they would be equally excited as he was." I trailed off and tears started to form.

"But they weren't" Eli finished.

I shook my head. "They wanted me to abort the baby saying we were too young being only fourteen and having a baby on the way. Josh got kicked out and my parents believe it or not let him move in. They had high hopes for us and because it was him they weren't as strict. After I miscarried because of complications with the baby's heart Josh and I stayed in our room for two weeks only eating very little. When Josh got sick he moved back home so his mom could take care of him while I went to school." I stated sadly

Eli squeezed my shoulders and moved me closer to him. "I'm sorry Clare."

"Eli it's ok it's the past and even if you wouldn't have asked I would've told you anyway."

Eli kissed my head as we watched TV.

"Eli what's your favorite movie?" I asked

"I don't have one I like anything scary though. What's yours?"

"Depends on the genre only I don't really do scary."

"Um chick flicks."

"I have a few actually I love A Walk to Remember, Save The Last Dance…." I paused thinking up something funny that get a reaction from Eli "and Guys Gone Wild."

"What?" Eli chocked out I laughed hysterically

"I was kidding I don't like porn, but it's just those two from that genre."

"Ok what about action movies?"

"All of the Fast and the Furious, Underworld one and two, Resident Evil, and AVP."

"Um Clare some of those are considered scary well they all are except for Fast and the Furious."

"Well I don't think they're scary."

"What about comedies?"

"Happy Gilmore, Rush Hour, and probably a few others." I said

"All really good movies." Eli said

"Kids dinner!" My mom yelled

We both went down for dinner and Eli left at 9pm to go home. He gave me a kiss goodbye before he drove off.

"So you seem pretty into him." my mom stated

"I am."

"Did you open up to him yet?"

"Yes I even told him about the baby." I whispered the last part.

"I'm sorry for asking and bringing the memories back." My mom said rubbing my hand

"It's ok mom I have to get used to it. I had Alli bring the box over and it's now sitting on my night stand.

I ended up watching TV with my mom for a little before going to bed.

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**I hope your enjoyed. Review? Music? Did the poems suck?**


	9. AN

I'm sorry, but this story isn't getting any reviews so I'm probably going to discontinue it.


	10. Meeting The Parents

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi nor do I own A Child Called 'It' or any pieces of it. **

**A/N: The italics are actual pieces of the book A Child Called 'It' I do not own those words in any way, shape, or form. This chapter deals with child abuse. Also I'd like to thank LoliHollywood and MickeyS25 for your reviews and encouragement to keep this story going. You both rock and because of you two here's the next chapter. **

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I woke up with my mom next to me in my bed and rolled over.

"Mom what's going on?" I asked as she slowly opened her eyes.

"You were crying in your sleep."

"What?" I asked concerned.

"You were crying violently and ripping at your belly yelling 'Please don't take my baby.' I stayed here and wiped your tears through half the night."

I felt my eyes with my fingertips and they were still a little wet, when I looked at my belly I noticed scratch marks, I nodded at my mom and moved to my back.

"Feel like going to church?" she asked.

I shook my head. "It feels like yesterday when I found out I was pregnant, maybe I wasn't ready to open the baby's box." I felt a few tears running down my face.

"Honey you'll be ok I promise." She cooed as she wiped away my stray tears.

"I think I want to stay up here. I'm not really in the mood for company really." I whispered.

My mom nodded and went downstairs. I got up, grabbed my iPod, iPod dock, took some pajamas to change into and went in the bathroom.

I put my clothes on the sink and my iPod I didn't feel like listening to it right away so I left it off. I set up the water, stripped my clothes and hopped in. The warm water running over my body felt good. I quickly finished my shower, got dressed, and went into my room.

I put my dirty clothes in the hamper and set up my iPod I felt the sudden urge to listen to "Shattered" by Taking Yesterday, so I set it on repeat.

When the song started I fell against the wall and cried. I looked at my bedroom door and noticed it was closed which was good. I remembered that I had asked Eli to come over after church, but I wasn't paying attention to the time.

I stood in the room with tears coming down my face as I sang the chorus.

"And I've lost who I am and I can't understand why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on. But I know all I know is that the end's beginning who I am from the start take me home to my heart. Let me go and I will run I will not be silent, all this time spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain. All is lost but hope remains and this war's not over. There's a light, there's a sun taking all these shattered ones. To the place we belong and his love will conquer all."

My tears had slowed and I felt the need to go to Eli. I stayed in my pajama pants and tee shirt. Tears still fell freely as I put my earbuds in my iPod, put them on and ran down stairs as the second chorus played. I opened the door as fast as I could ready to run right out, but stopped dead in my tracks when I seen Eli with a raised hand ready to knock on the door, he lowered his hands and immediately I hugged him and lightly cried into his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me while his free hand was on the back of my head.

I took out one of my earbuds and let the song play out as it would soon repeat.

"Shh Clare it's ok." Eli soothed

I nodded and pulled away. Eli looked at me and I took his hand and lead him inside without saying a word. I looked over Eli's attire, he wore a black blazer, black Dead Hand tee, black skinnies, and his black converse.

"Clare I think it's time to fully open up to Eli and he can help you." My mom said in a motherly voice.

I nodded knowing exactly what she means and lead Eli upstairs.

"What's she talking about?" Eli asked

I stayed quiet as we reached my room. After Eli entered I shut my door behind him, watched him sit on my bed as I set my iPod on the dock letting "Shattered" repeat, only I turned it down enough for Eli and I to talk, but still loud enough to hear it.

"Clare what's wrong?" Eli asked.

Again I didn't answer, I walked over to my bed, sat next to Eli, and took my baby box as I call it.

"Clare you don't have to."

"I need to Eli, I'm shattered just like in the song."

I looked over to Eli and he brushed my tears away with his thumbs and nodded.

"I'm not over his or her death." I whispered "I-I still wish I never miscarried knowing that it means I'll have a baby who would be a year old right now." I said as I ghost my fingers over the box. "Some say death runs in threes, but Darcy died, then my dad when I was two months pregnant, a month later my baby was taken, a few months after that I lost Josh just when we decided …." I started to sob more after that and shook my head "Nothing will erase the fact that I lost this baby."

Eli took the box out of my hand and pulled me close to him.

"Clare it'll be ok. I promise everything will have a way of working out. No one knows what the future holds." Eli whispered as he stroked the back of my head.

I nodded and pushed myself off of him and started to sing the song as I opened the box. The first thing I seen was the picture of my first ultrasound with my name printed across the top, it was the only picture I have of the baby. Underneath was a picture of Josh holding me and smiling my mom took them after I took the test, he had his arms wrapped around me and the pregnancy test in his hands. Don't get me wrong of course my parents were upset when they first found out, but my mom took pictures of the moment just because of how happy we were, after Josh let me go we were lectured for an hour or more. Under those pictures were ones of me that Josh took, one of where I was doing homework and I had my text book up against my chest sticking my tongue out at him, one of me sleeping with my belly exposed and the word "baby" written on my belly that Josh did while I was asleep. I handed Eli each picture and then I came across the pregnancy test that read "positive" and a small velvet box that I never opened that read "Don't open until April." which would be the fifth month of my pregnancy it was in Josh's writing.

"You looked so happy in these." Eli said he looked through the pictures.

I nodded. "I was. It feels like part of me died with the baby."

Eli nodded, lifted my chin to him so I was looking at him, and kissed away my tears, then kissed me we made out for a few minutes, then I pulled away and leaned into Eli's arms.

"My parents as well as his kept saying that we're kids having a kid and we should've waited, but its not like we were planning on the baby or anything, it just sort of happened. I was nervous when I found out and showed Josh the test and my nervousness turned into excitement when he found out. I thought everything was perfect until we found out that the baby's heart was beating so fast. We were fourteen and sixteen when I got pregnant, I had just turned fourteen we expected everything to be fine with the baby even though I was always hyper. I'm still a little hyper, but not as much. I guess trying to hide the pregnancy the first two months and did boxing like normal only I didn't box with anyone, but it took it out on my body and ended up hurting the baby."

"Clare it's not your fault you can't blame yourself for that." Eli said as he rubbed my arm.

I nodded.

"After I lost the baby in October, then December came and that's when Josh got sick."

"I remember that story." Eli said

"What about your story I mean with Julia."

"There's not much to tell, like every relationship we've started off friends, after a while we became closer. I took Julia out for dates from time to time some my parents would drive us to and some within walking distance since I was fifteen and couldn't drive. She was also my first love, but I never got her pregnant so I can only imagine what you're going through."

I nodded and relaxed against Eli as he kissed the top of my head.

"Kids lunch is almost ready, Eli would you like to stay?" My mom yelled

I looked to Eli.

"Yes please." He yelled back.

I smiled knowing this would give my mom time to know Eli. I rolled off the bed and turned off the repeat button and put on the shuffle button like always so the next song would come on, which happened to be "Odd One" by Sick Puppies. We laid there listening to it. Eli rubbed my hand occasionally with his thumb and kissed my head.

"You know this song kind of reminds me of us and Adam." Eli chuckled

"How so?" I asked amused

"Well the three of us don't worry about fitting in and well you know Adam." Eli chuckled

"I guess you're right the three of us are 'Odd ones' who some how fit perfectly with the exception of Alli."

Alli tried to fit in everywhere, she was always trying to fit in as I tried to blend in. Even when Josh was alive I didn't care about fitting in, being part of some stupid clique, the only thing that mattered to me was simply being me.

"Kids lunch." My mom yelled

I got up as did Eli, I shut off my iPod, Eli and I held hands, we walked downstairs, and say at the table which was already set. Lunch was pizza.

"So Clare did you tell Eli?"

I nodded. "Both yesterday and today."

"Eli what do you think about Clare's past?"

"Well I can sympathize with her on some things because I've had a girlfriend over a year and a half ago that died in an accident, but I haven't lost a child or anything and I have both parents."

"I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad Clare has you to help her."

"I am too." Eli responded

"Eli do you go to church?"

"Mom!" I exclaimed

"Clare it's ok." Eli said as he rubbed my hand. "Actually I'm atheist."

My mom nodded "Clare you're ok with Eli being atheist?"

"Of course mom why would I be, I mean regardless of his religion he's still Eli."

"So Eli you don't have a problem with Clare's past?"

"Mom can you not interrogate Eli." I stated

"Clare I'm fine." Eli smiled at me. "Actually I don't everything that happened in Clare's past lead her to what she is today and the Clare that I know is the Clare that I'm in like with and nothing's going to change that."

I smiled at Eli and for the rest of lunch we just talked about music, movies, and such. My mom likes Eli and in fact they both share a love for mystery movies, though Eli loves horror more.

"Clare mind having dinner with me?" Eli asked as we cleaned up.

"No actually I don't."

"You know that requires meeting my parents." Eli chuckled

"I know, I'll change before meeting them." I said

After we cleaned up the mess for lunch Eli and I went back to my room where we sat for a little bit. Eli played with the ring my dad bought me which was around my left pinky finger.

"Clare I never really asked what your rings represent besides Josh's purity ring." Eli stated

"Well the one you're playing with is one that my dad bought me and the other is Darcy's purity ring. I don't have one for the baby if I did I'd wear it, I should've let Josh buy me one when I was pregnant, but leave it to me to be superstitious." I giggled

Eli nodded then asked "Clare mind if we leave soon I want to take you somewhere?"

"No I don't mind I'll change now." I chimed with a slight smile.

Eli pulled me into a kiss as I got up off my bed, I whimpered into the kiss as Eli deepened it and took the advantage to thrust his tongue into my mouth. Eli groaned as our tongues roamed each others mouth. I pulled away moments later.

I picked out and nice dress the top half of it was a black sequined bodice with a black ribbon that went around the waist and tied on the side. The bottom or skirt half was a black fitted skirt with a pleated chiffon-overlaid skirt patterned with roses. I also took a strapless bra because the bodice was a spaghetti strap, I took it in the bathroom and changed. I put a black headband in my hair and added some light make up.

"How do I look?" asked as I seen Eli.

I watched Eli's eyes over look my choice in attire.

"You look amazing."

"Not too much?"

"No just perfect."

I smiled thanking Eli for his compliments, slipped on some black flats, put on a white cardigan, grabbed a small black sequin purse, put my iPod in it since I never leave it behind as well as my phone and wallet, and put it around my shoulder.

"Ready?" I giggled

"Of course my lady."

Eli and I went down stairs, I let my mom know I'll be back by ten, and we headed out. Eli opened the passenger side of Morty for me and I gladly got inside, after I sat down Eli entered in the drivers side.

"So where are we going?" I asked as Eli turned on the ignition and started pulling away from my house.

"Well that my dear is a surprise."

I giggled as Eli grabbed my hand rubbing small circles on the back of it.

Twenty minutes later Eli pulled up to the mall. The only rings that I wear now are Josh's purity ring on my right thumb and Darcy's purity ring on my left middle finger.

Eli pulled into a parking spot, took the key out of Morty's ignition, exited, opened my door, held out a hand to help me out, and shut the door for me.

"What are we doing here?" I asked

"All part of the surprise." Eli answered as he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my cheek.

I giggled again as we walked. I looked around as we entered the mall it was rather big and full of people. I let Eli lead the way and I saw a book store and felt the need to want to look in it.

"Eli do you mind if I look in the book store?" I asked

"No go ahead I'll call when I need you." He replied sweetly I couldn't help but kiss him chastely before I left.

I entered in the bookstore and looked around, not looking for anything in particular, I skimmed up and down the isles. I came across a book called 'A Child Called "It"' and decided to read the back:

_A Child Called "It" is the unforgettable account of one of the most severe child abuse cases in California history. It is the story of Dave Pelzer, who was brutally beaten and starved by his emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother: a mother who played torturous, unpredictable games-games that left him nearly dead. He had to learn how to play his mother's games in order to survive because she is no longer considered him a son, but a slave; and no longer a boy, but an "it"._

_Dave's bed was an old army cot in the basement, and his clothes were torn and raunchy. When his mother allowed him the luxury of food, it was nothing more than spoiled scraps that even the dogs refused to eat. The outside world knew nothing of his living nightmare. He had nothing and no one to turn to, but his dreams kept him alive-dreams of someone taking care of him, loving him and calling him their son._

_Through each struggle you'll find yourself enduring his pain, comforting his loneliness and fighting for his will to survive. This compelling story will awaken you to the truth about child abuse-and the ability we all have to make a difference. _

After reading the back and knowing about the Pelzer award I wanted to begin reading it so I sat down and turned to the first page and started reading in the aisle. I barely gotten to the second page without crying, but I continued.

_I act timid, nodding to her threats. "Please," I say to myself, "just let me eat. Hit me again, but I have to have food." Another blow pushes my head against the tile counter top. I let the tears of mock defeat stream down my face as she storms out of the kitchen, seemingly satisfied with herself. After I count her steps, making sure she's gone, I breathe a sigh of relief. The act worked. Mother can beat me all she wants, but I haven't let her take away my will to somehow survive…._

The ringing of my cell phone stopped me from reading farther and I felt tears come down my face.

"H-Hello?" I answer in a shaky voice

"Hey I'm done where are you and what's wrong?" Eli asked on the other end

"The book store still I was reading a sad book." I said as I stood up and carried the book to the front of the store.

"Ok I'll be there in ten." Eli said

"Ok I'll be here." I replied and hung up the phone.

I put the book on the countertop and paid for it.

"Do you need a bag?" The cashier asked

"Um I think it'll fit in my purse." I said

She handed me my book with the receipt tucked inside the front cover. Lucky enough for me the book fit in my purse since it wasn't that big. I waited for Eli wanting to read while I wait, but knowing not to. Minutes later Eli was walking towards me. I smiled at him and he stopped in front of me.

"Clare you were crying." He said as he brushed my tearstained cheek with his thumb.

I nodded. Eli took my hand and we started walking.

"What was the book about?" Eli asked

"A boy who got abused by his mom, it tells you of everything she did to him. She hit him when he was doing dishes because the water was too hot and he was caught with his hands out of the scolding water."

"Clare are you sure it was a good idea to read it?" Eli asked concerned

"I wanted to." I said

Eli nodded.

"I just don't understand why someone would hurt their child like that, I mean the woman had three kids, but only hurt him."

"That's fucked up." Eli said as we made our way out the doors.

"I know, so what did you need?" I asked

"You'll find out soon enough."

I nodded and we continued to walk.

"Um Eli just to let you know I kind of bought the book." I said softly

Eli nodded.

When we got to Morty Eli opened my door, closed it when I got inside, and entered in his side.

"Clare I bought you something actually." Eli said softly I looked at him confused. "I know we've only dated for a few days and I don't know if I'm rushing this or not, but I couldn't help to think that you have a ring on your finger so you remember the people you've lost. I bought you a ring for the baby so the baby will always be with you." Eli said

I looked up at him with a slight smile as he opened the box. My eyes lit up. The ring was so gorgeous. The ring was a silver band the middle looked glassy where as the rims were just silver and it read "Baby" in the middle with two colorful birth stones on the side.

"The birthstones are called aurora barillas because the way I figured the baby would've been born in April."

I nodded knowing Eli was right. I leaned in and kissed him chastely, but sweet. I let Eli take my hand and put the ring he bought me on my right ring finger.

"Thank you it's beautiful." I said looking at it again.

Eli and I kissed again for a few minutes then we made our way to his house. I couldn't help, but feel extremely happy that I now have a ring for the baby.

"Thank you again Eli, I would've bought a ring for myself, but it would've felt weird. Um how did you know my ring size?"

"Clare, I understand which is why I bought it for you. It just took me a little to figure out what one to get and I'm surprised it only took an hour and I took one of your rings off your dresser I seen you take it off of your ring finger." Eli said handing me my ring it was one I had that didn't really mean anything it was a piece of costume jewelry I had found in one of the old houses that happened to fit me perfectly.

"An hour I was in the book store for an hour?"

Eli chuckled "Yea believe it or not. I stayed in the store where I bought your ring and just looked at the different jewelry. The ring is real so it won't turn your finger green"

"It's real, Eli it must've been expensive."

"Clare just accept it and leave it at that."

"By the way you're not moving too fast. How about we say that this is just a gift for the baby I lost and I love it."

"I'm glad you love it and saying it is for the baby doesn't make me feel like we're rushing things."

I couldn't help, but admire the new ring adorned on my finger. It was perfect.

"We're here." Eli said as he parked into the driveway of a large brick house with a red door.

Eli again helped me out. We walked to the house hand in hand, Eli pushed open the door letting me in first and following behind.

"Mom we're here." Eli yelled.

"You're early baby boy." I heard someone yell as I took off my cardigan

"Sorry mom." Eli yelled back as he took my cardigan and hung it up on the coat rack along with my purse

Eli took my hand and we began to make our way to the living room. I seen his mom cooking in the kitchen through the window and Eli lead me through the living room to the kitchen.

"Mom this is Clare."

"Hi honey it's nice to meet you call me CeCe." She said with a smile.

I smiled back "It's nice to meet you."

"Where's dad?" Eli asked

"Still at work he'll be home soon."

With that said Eli wrapped his arm around my waist and lead me to the stairs.

"Mom we'll be in my room." Eli said

I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top leaving enough room for Eli to get by, when we were at the top Eli grabbed my waist again and lead me to his room. There was a skull on the door with a sign hanging form it that read "Enter if you dare"

"What's with the sign?" I asked

Eli shrugged as he opened his door. I looked around his room and giggled. There were band posters on the walls, a stop sign hanging on a random spot on his one wall along with two street signs, a "One Way" sign, and a few others.

"Where you'd get the traffic and street signs?" I asked standing in the middle of the room

Eli lead me to his bed and we sat down. I noticed he left the door open as I sat down.

"My dad took them from the radio station"

I noticed Eli was laying down and I slipped off my flats and joined him.

"You didn't have to take your flats off."

I looked at Eli's feet and noticed he still had his shoes on.

"You don't mind getting your bed dirty?" I asked

"Of course, but I don't sleep with this cover."

I looked over to Eli curiously, he rolled towards me, and lifted up the top cover revealing a black comforter, then smirked at me.

"This one we're laying on is for when I come in after school, jump on it with my shoes on, and do homework. I used to do homework after going taking a nap, but now that I have a gorgeous girlfriend I have to do homework before spending more time with you."

I giggled as Eli turned on the TV.

"So what shall we watch?"

"Anything that isn't scary." I said

Eli went through channels and I watched as he passed some shows.

"Myth Busters, how about we watch that?" I asked

"Sounds good."

"Ever watch it?" I asked

"Of course who's not up for watching things getting destroyed?" Eli chuckled

I giggled and rolled onto Eli's chest and watched the show, Eli entwined our legs and I giggled.

After the show ended there was another episode coming on so we decided to watch that one too. Halfway through the second episode there was a knock on the door causing Eli and I to both jump. I looked over to see a burly man standing leaning against the door way.

"Son dinner's ready."

"Dad this is Clare." Eli said as we moved off the bed.

"Nice to meet you." I said in a shaky voice

"Nice to meet you too, I'm Bullfrog." He stated in a husky voice

Eli and I walked past him as we left the room of course Eli's arm was around me. I felt Eli let go and looked back immediately, I noticed his dad was talking to his dad and continued walking, Eli caught up to me halfway down the stairs.

"My dad agrees that you're beautiful." Eli whispered in my ear causing me to blush.

The dinner table was set when we sat down. I sat next to Eli while his parents sat across from us.

CeCe passed around the salad and Eli put some on my plate.

"So Clare what do your parents do?" CeCe asked

"Um my mom's a stay at home mom so she's there when I need her." I looked down at my plate and noticed Eli put some meatloaf on it along with mashed potatoes.

"And your dad?" She asked

"Mom." Eli said

"Eli it's ok." I stated

I looked down at my plate and up at his parents. "My dad died. It's been a year now."

"Clare we're sorry."

"It's ok, since he died in work they pay my mom enough to take care of us plus some." I said as I picked up my fork.

"Do you have any siblings?" Bullfrog asked

"Um I have Alli she's like a sister she moved here with my mom and I after we moved out of the house I've lived in for four years." I said

"So what brings you here?"

Eli took my hand and tightened his grip on it. "Clare it's ok you don't have to explain it again."

"It's ok Eli, you went through it too and I have no problem with it anymore." I said to him. "I've lost my boyfriend of a year a while ago and I needed the move and since Alli was joining us she'd be away from our parents, so we moved here since it's an hour away."

"I'm guessing Eli told you about Julia then?" Bullfrog asked

I nodded. "He did, he helped me realize that I needed to say goodbye to Josh if I wanted to be with him. Well, Eli and I kissed for school and I realized I had feelings for Josh still and I knew I couldn't be with Eli if I didn't let Josh go, so I did." I blabbered I looked at his parents and noticed the shock in their face. "I'm sorry I tend to ramble when I'm nervous." I said softly

Eli rubbed my hand letting me know it's ok. I looked over at him and he smirked. I looked back at my plate and continued to eat.

"Clare I'm sorry for all of your losses." CeCe said

"It's ok they've all made me stronger and I now have a ring for each loss thanks to Eli." I said then smiled at him.

"Clare you don't have to tell them it's ok."

"Sweetie you don't have to tell us anything you don't want to." CeCe said

"Um it's ok I have to. I don't want to hide anything from you especially since I'm dating your son." I said and took another bite of food.

"It's ok you can tell us during desert." Eli said

I nodded at him and we continued eating and learning more about each other. Eli and I told his parents how we met and how I was soaked from frolicking in the rain. We laughed a lot.

I helped with the dishes and handed dirty dishes to CeCe who stood at the sink.

"Clare that's a beautiful ring on your ring finger." CeCe said

"Oh that's my favorite it's from Eli, it's also one that probably means the most to me." I said looking at it as she took the plate.

"So each of the rings you wear represent a death?"

"Well I like to say they represent a person close to me who's died."

"You've lost four people close to you and you're only fifteen?"

"Yes, each ring represents their memory so I never forget them, even though Eli said they still live in my heart."

CeCe chuckled "That's what I told him about Julia after she passed."

"Clare how about we watch TV." Eli said

"Ok, mind if I read my book?"

"It upsets you."

"I'll be fine plus we'll be in your room right?"

"If you want to be."

I rolled my eyes, walked to my purse, took out my book, and Eli and I walked to his room again he left the door open. When we got there we laid on his bed, he turned on the TV while I picked up where I left off.

"_I finished the dishes, then my other chores. For my reward I received breakfast-leftovers from my brother's cereal bowls. Today it's Lucky Charms. There are only a few bits of cereal left and half a bowl of milk, but as quickly as I can, I swallowed it before Mother changes her mind, she has done that before. Mother enjoys using food as her weapon. She knows better than to throw leftovers in the garbage can. She knows I'll dig it out later. Mother knows my tricks. Minutes later I'm in the old family station wagon. Because I'm so late with my chores, I have to be driven to school. Usually I run to school, arriving just as class begins, with no time to steal from other kids' lunch boxes. Mother drops my oldest brother off.."_

I started to sob again as I read it and as if on cue Eli reached over and wiped the tears away. Without saying anything Eli pulled the book out of my hands and kissed away my tears this time.

"Is the book that sad?"

"He was forced to eat his brother's food." I said "I could never have done that to my child had I not lost him or her."

"I know Clare." Eli said as he brushed hair behind my ear and wiped my tears with his thumb.

I looked over to Eli and kissed him chastely, I licked his lower lip and he granted me entrance and I thrust my tongue in his mouth as he thrust his in mine. I whimpered again and I entangled my hands in his hair causing him to moan in his throat, then I pulled away feeling we were moving too fast.

"Moving too fast?" Eli asked

I nodded.

"Clare, don't get me wrong I like kissing you, but I don't think we should kiss intimately."

"What about every once in a while?" I said

"I'm willing to go as fast or as slow as you want to, but I don't want to have sex with you since we just started dating I want to actually wait for that."

"I do to. I don't want to have sex right away either."

"Now that we've got that out of the way come here you." Eli said as he pulled me onto his chest and we began watching TV.

"Kids cheesecake" CeCe yelled.

"Wait until you try my mom's cheesecake you'll love it." Eli said

We both ran down the stairs mainly because Eli was running and he had my hand. I giggled as I sat at the table.

"Oh my god this cheesecake is amazing." I exclaimed as I took a bite.

Eli chuckled "I told you my mom's cheesecakes are amazing."

"Thank you sweetie I'm glad you like it."

I nodded and we continued eating. I decided to break the silence by telling them about my rings.

"About my rings I've told CeCe each one represents someone close to me that has died. The one on my thumb belonged to Josh, the one on my middle finger belonged to Darcy, the one on my pinky is from my dad, and the most important one next to me is the one Eli bought me." I paused as I twisted it on my finger. "I may have made a couple of mistakes growing up like everyone does, but to me this ring isn't a mistake. I had gotten pregnant at fourteen and we decided to keep the baby, I miscarried when I was three months pregnant." I stated

"I'm so sorry that's happened to you Clare, did you decided to keep it prior to the miscarriage?"

"Yes, my parents weren't thrilled about the idea, but they accepted it. I got lectured for about an hour."

"Your parents seemed lenient if Eli were that young and had gotten a girl pregnant I would've killed him."

I giggled "My parents were anything, but lenient. They freaked out when Josh and I decided to exchange purity rings and we told them how we thought we made the right choice and explained everything. After we explained the baby and our situation they understood where we were coming from." I explained

"What about his parents?"

"They hated the idea and kicked him out. He moved in with my family, after I miscarried he stayed by my side, he got sick in December and went home. He died not long after that."

"I know a miscarriage isn't something to easily get through so I can only imagine it being placed upon a child who had made the grown up choice as to keep and nurture the baby."

"It was hard to over come, but Eli here helped me and bought me this lovely ring." I smiled at him.

"Well as long as our son is ok with this we are too." Bullfrog said

"As long as you two promise to wait for kids." CeCe stated.

"We promise." Eli and I agreed in unison

"Plus mom I'm not ready for kids." Eli added

"And Eli and I haven't been dating long enough to actually do anything." I said looking at my plate as my face started to get warm as I blushed, Eli chuckled.

We continued to talk and not long after the mess from desert was cleaned up Eli drove me home. We kissed goodbye and I walked inside.

"How was dinner?" My mom asked

"Great I told his parents about the baby and they seemed to understand after I explained everything. I thought they'd look at me differently, but they didn't." I exclaimed

"That's great sweetie."

"Eli even helped me through dinner." I said.

"Well go get some sleep and I'm glad you had fun."

I did just that. I went into my room, changed out of my dress and into my pajamas, charged my iPod along with my phone, shut my lights off, and went to bed.

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**Please Review I read ever single review that is posted. **


	11. Helping Clare

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or it's characters. What I do own in the poem in this chapter.**

**A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update. Enjoy.**

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I woke up in my bed five minutes early for school, so I took the time to look over the ring Eli bought me. I jumped when my alarm clock went off breaking me from my thoughts. I lazily shut it off and got out of bed. I picked out a hot pink top that read "Badass" with a skull and crossbones hoodie to match, got dressed in the bathroom, then went in my room to do my hair and put on my shoes.

"So Clare are you ready?" Alli asked as she entered my room.

"Almost I need to put on my shoes and finish doing my hair." I answered softly

"So how was your weekend with Eli?" Alli asked

"It was great" I mumbled.

"Could've fooled me." Alli said as I stood up "So what's with the outfit?"

"I really don't want much to do with anyone today. I'd rather skip, but I can't."

"So my dates with Drew were fabulous." she squealed I nodded and picked up my iPod.

Alli continued to talk about how wonderful her date with Drew was and I nodded and pretended to listen to the best of my ability.

"Clare ready for breakfast?" she asked noticing I was fully dressed.

"Lets go."

Alli and I both walked downstairs for breakfast which my mom cooked.

"Clare what's today's date?" Alli asked in a hushed whisper

"October twentieth." I whispered back as played with my ring that Eli bought me more.

"Here you are Clare." my mom said as she put a plate of heart shaped chocolate chip pancakes in front of me with orange juice.

"Thanks mom." I replied sweetly

"I'm sorry Clare, here I am ranting about Drew and you're going through something tough."

"It's ok Alli I'll be fine, I just don't want to talk about it."

I felt a few tears come down the side of my face as I ate. I only ate one pancake before I pushed the plate away. I wasn't really in the mood to eat or deal with anyone.

"Are you ok?" Alli asked

I nodded and Alli and I got up from the table; I decided to read a little while Alli ate. About twenty minutes later we heard screamo music coming from outside, Alli jumped up from the table and we both got ready.

"Clare are you driving us?" Alli asked

I shook my head. "I can't drive today I'm sorry." I muttered as I collected everything, I put my iPod on and waited for Alli.

"I'll drive Alli honey." My mom said sweetly

"It's ok Mrs. Edwards I'll go with them in the hearse."

I had my iPod turned on to full volume to block out everyone and everything as I opened the door. I looked towards my drive way and noticed Eli standing next to Clary, but not close enough to set her alarm off, moments later I watched as he walked over to me.

I looked up at Eli and he took one of my earbuds out.

"Are you ok?" he asked

I nodded. "Can I sleep in the back of Morty on the way to school?"

Eli nodded and we continued walking. I opened the back of the hearse and got in, turning down the volume of my iPod. Eli shut the back, got in on his side, started the car, and left the radio off. I laid in the back of the car in the fetal position letting myself silently sob.

"What's wrong with Clare?" I heard him ask Alli

"Today's one of her off days she'll be fine soon. Just be there for her if she needs you."

"Of course, but can't you tell me what's wrong?"

"Actually I can't it's not my place to say, but if Clare wants you to know she'll tell you. The only thing I'm telling you is this, she'll be distant today it's not just with you because trust me Clare likes you a lot, it's just that right now she's hurting and I can't say why." Alli explained

Eli didn't respond which usually meant he was nodding. I turned my music back up to full volume and tried to hold back my sobs, as a few more tears fell I drifted off to sleep.

"Clare time to get up."

I opened my eyes and looked around, I'm still in the back of Morty and we're parked at school. Eli held out his hand to help me out of the back which I graciously took, I collected my things upon getting out, Eli shut the back, and the three of us started to walk to school.

I seen Adam as soon as I walked inside and watched him mouth something like "Good morning."

"What's so good about it?" I asked as I took out an earbud.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed." He announced

I ignored his comment, put my earbud back in, and continued to make my way to my locker. Declan and Fi were already there. As soon as I got to my locker Fi hugged me, surprisingly I hugged her back and choked back the lump in my throat that was starting to form. When I pulled away she pulled out an earbud.

"Clare are you ok?" she asked

I shook my head and I noticed Eli watching as I entered in my combo

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"N-No thanks."

"What's got my badass all upset?" Declan asked concerned as I put some books in

"Nothing Decs I'd rather just deal with today on my own."

"And not let your boyfriend help?" Fi asked

"There's nothing he or anyone else can do to help. Nothing's going to erase the past and I need to deal with it." I mumbled coldly as I slammed my locker, then ran off.

I ran into the bathroom and closed one of the stalls. I sensed Alli's presence moments later.

"Hey Alli?" I asked

"Yes Clare."

"I know it's a little late, but do you know what I would've been having?" I asked as I opened the door.

Alli nodded slowly and I looked at her wide eyed.

"I-it would've been a boy."

I cried a little more knowing I would've been having a son. That's the funny thing about babies they develop their sexual organs when you're three months pregnant, but they're so small you can't tell on an ultrasound until your fifth month of pregnancy. I took out my book "What to expect when you're expecting" from my bag. And turned to the third month.

"Clare are you sure you want to read that?"

I nodded and found the right page.

"He was the size of an apple when I miscarried, he had fingernails and toes too." I choked out "as well as taste buds and he could drink the amniotic fluids-"

"Clare that's gross."

I ignored her and continued "He was peeing in the fluid he was drinking." I giggled a little as my tears slowed "It also says that the external genitalia is developed which we knew." I added as I closed my book.

"Ready for class?" Alli asked as I set my book in my book bag

I shook my head, but I knew I had to go so I sucked it up, put my earbuds in, and put my hood on.

"Alli I'm turning my iPod on to full volume so I won't be able to hear you."

She nodded and linked her arm with mine as we made our way to the office for late passes. I didn't hear what Alli told the secretary, but we got late passes and went to class.

Once we got to the classroom Alli handed Ms. O the passes and we sat at our computers. I didn't hear a single word Ms. O was saying, but I seen Alli open up my text book and point to the correct page and I began my wok. I finished just when the bell rang and handed in the assignment. I didn't have to remove my hoodie or earbuds the entire time.

Eli was waiting outside of the classroom ready to walk me to English. He didn't say a word when I stood in front of him, he just looked at my hoodie and chuckled so I unzipped it revealing my matching shirt making him chuckle more as he shook his head, he looked at my face and ghost his thumbs under my eyes. I closed my eyes at his touch and he kissed me for a moment. We pulled away and walked to Ms. Dawes' class.

When we got there we took our seats and I lowered my music as I waited for the bell to ring, when it did I shut off my iPod and removed my earbuds.

"Today class you will be working on your own to create a poem. It has to be about something or someone close to you at this very moment."

"Can it be about anyone, like would I be able to write about Marilyn Monroe if I wanted to?" a girl asked

"You could, but I wouldn't recommend it, the poem needs to be moving and have depth-"

"S-so it needs to be personal." I said cutting her off, Eli and Adam turned around to look at me.

"Yes it does and it could be however long you want it to be." she replied.

I knew what I was writing about and I turned my iPod back on and started to write my poem. Moments later I was finished. I looked it over and slouched in my seat as I turned down my iPod.

"Ms. Edwards are you finished?"

"Y-yes." I said

"Would you care to share it."

I gulped, picked up my paper, and walked to the front of the class.

"Thinking

Hurting

Breathing

Crying

Smiling

Dying

Screaming

Yelling

Save me please

Dropping to my knees

My screams and pleas are lost in the air

This world is cold and full of despair

The choice I made to keep you was not a mistake

When you my heart, my precious baby boy disappeared it was the worst kind of heartbreak

The hurt from losing you is never ending

These wounds are still mending." I read out loud, holding back tears

"Very good Clare that was an amazing poem."

I didn't bother to see anyone's reaction as I put my poem on Ms. Dawes' desk and I ran out of the room in tears. I felt an arm pull me back and I looked to see Eli, he immediately pulled me into a hug.

"I'm sorry Clare." he cooed

I sobbed violently in his shoulder.

"You would've had a son?" He asked, I nodded.

"Today was the day I miscarried. I knew that Alli knew what I was having so I asked her"

Eli moved his face so he could try to look at me, he ended up moving my face so I could look at him instead. Tears still fell as I looked at Eli and he kissed each and everyone of them away, and then kissed my lips; the kiss was sweet and passionate as mine and Eli's tongue thrust in and out of each other's mouth, minutes later I pulled away.

"I think we should get to class." I said breathlessly as I wiped my eyes

"You're not crying anymore." Eli smirked

I nodded "Thank you."

"Anything for you my dear."

Eli and I walked back to class hand in hand. I took my seat at my desk again.

"Are you ok?" Ms. Dawes asked sweetly

I nodded "Thanks to Eli."

She smiled and walked back to her desk; a folded piece of paper landed on my desk causing me to jump. I unfolded it and read it over.

_I'm always here if you want to talk.. *heart* Adam_

I giggled and wrote a reply.

_Dork :P *heart* Clare PS. Thank you_

I folded it back up and tossed it over to him. I could hear him chuckle as he read it.

After English the three of us headed out of the class together, my iPod was on full volume blocking out everyone, Eli held my hand gently squeezing it from time to time, and Adam was next to me as we made our way to our lockers.

Declan was standing at mine when we got there, but there's no Fi. I looked at him and when he went to brush away a stray tear I turned my head, I pushed him aside ignoring his presence and entered in the combination to my locker and when the song "Miserable At Best" by Mayday parade came on I knew now that even though I'm still miserable for losing him I'll over come this. I quickly changed the song and "Not Alone" by Saosin came on. I know I have Eli to help me though this, I quickly put my unneeded books in my locker, took out the ones I needed, and shut my locker.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked over to see Eli and I nodded to him know what he was going to ask. I put his arm around his waist and put an earbud in his ear, he jumped at the volume.

"Clare I know I'm not one to say this, but you'll go deaf if you listen to the music this loud."

I giggled "It blocks everyone out."

He nodded understandingly as we walked out the doors to Morty. Eli took out the earbud in his ear, opened the passenger door for me upon arriving at the hears, Adam slid in next to me, and the two guys shut the door at the same time.

"How about we hook your iPod up to Morty?" Eli asked

"Sure."

Adam went in the glove compartment and handed me the adapter, I accidentally shut off my iPod while hooking it up to the hearse, but turned it on immediately and set my play list on shuffle. "The Situation" came on by Escape the Fate I smiled wide it was one of my favorite songs and always helped me feel better.

"Clare what is this?" Eli asked as we pulled out of the parking lot and the intro came on.

"One of my favorite songs." I chimed.

"Ok."

"The situations are irrelevant now I love the way that he teased he loves the way that I breathe. I touched his 'ooh' he touched my 'ah'" I opened my eyes wide when I sang 'ooh', as well as covered my mouth; and when I sang 'ah' I opened my eyes wide again, looked up out of the corner of my eyes, and put my hand on my chest.

"My my Miss Clare being all seductive." Eli mocked

I continued singing "I love the boys who love to hate because they're just like me. A certain boy I took his hands and ran it up my thigh. I licked my lips and pulled his hair, he fell in love for a night." I did as the lyrics said only I ran my own hand up my thigh and grabbed a handful of my own hair. I could see Eli glancing over to me occasionally. "I can't behave and he's just a slave don't worry I'll be gone before the morning comes."

"Um Clare c-can we please change the song?" Eli asked nervously.

I giggled and put on a different song.

"Perhaps one less provocative." Eli mentioned causing me to giggle more.

I skipped to the next song "Drive" by Incubus came on and I sang along to it.

"Clare you have an amazing voice" Eli stated

"I agree." Adam added.

When we arrived at the Dot I took my iPod off the adopter and hooked up my headphones.

Eli guided me inside as Adam walked in front of us, we sat in the middle and not long after sitting down Spinner bought me a chocolate milkshake., I took out an earbud and went to thank him.

"I went and seen her." He said I nodded

I looked up at him with a saddened expressions and nodded compassionately.

"You ok?" He asked

I nodded again and Spinner rubbed my shoulder as I started to drink my milkshake.

"Maybe you should put on one of the songs that make you happy." Eli soothed

"I'd rather listen to this one." I mumbled wondering how Eli know I wasn't listening to a "happy" song, but I pushed that thought aside.

"Clare it'll be ok." Adam cooed.

I nodded and laid my head on Eli's shoulder, in return he kissed the top of my head. Peter came and took our orders. Eli and Adam both ordered burgers and fries while I just ordered fries.

"What no burger Edwards?" Eli asked

"I'm not that hungry." I stated as I kept my head on his shoulder

Eli lifted my head so I was looking at him.

"You feeling ok?" He asked with concern in his voice, I nodded.

Eli placed a gentle kiss upon my lips and I kissed him back, for a moment we forgot where we were and deepened the kiss a little, but Adam cleared his throat causing us to pull apart.

"Sorry." Eli and I said

Peter had bought the food just as I laid my head back on Eli's shoulder, but I didn't pick it up as I ate. Lunch went well even though the sad music on my iPod bought back the memories.

When we went back to school Eli took me to each and every class as well as pick me up, he kissed me each time he'd pick me up and each time he dropped me off; he is truly amazing.

"I'll pick you up gorgeous." Eli said as he ran his thumbs under my eyes

I nodded. "I'll be waiting."

We kissed and I walked into the gym, well drug myself into it. I walked in and started to get dressed into my gym uniform with only a few questioning glances from Alli. We seen that this girl Bianca transferred into our class and we let out an aggravated sigh Alli and I never really got along with her.

"Clare rumor has it that you have a kid." She said to me as I put on my gym shirt

"Rumor has it that you're a slut." I stated before Alli could even open her mouth.

"So you have a kid?" She asked

"Does that mean you're admitting to be a slut?" I snapped back with a chuckle.

"Hey Clare was never pregnant." Fiona said as she walked next to us

"Fi shouldn't you have a different gym since you're in the twelfth grade?" Alli asked.

"Yes, but I wanted this one." Fi simply replied

"Do you have proof she wasn't pregnant?" Bianca asked Fi

"Right here." Fi took out her camera and turned it on as we walked into the gym "See this is Clare in September during the first day of school when we first met, this is October it was taken for the dance, and here we have November in the drama club. Here's her in December, there's January as well…" Fi continued to go through the pictures as we all sat down.

"Ok she was never pregnant and the Anti-Grapevine was wrong." Bianca stated

We had a free period which was spent catching up with Fiona who of course didn't participate because she didn't like getting sweaty or anything. We didn't take long to get dressed out of our gym clothes and it to our regular clothes so we talked for a little until the bell rang.

The three of us walked into the hallway giggling and laughing together just like the old days. I had motioned to Eli to join us without stopping and he quickly took a few giant steps towards me, put his arm around my waist, and kissed my temple.

"So after school?" Fi said

"Clare's holding herself hostage in her room to grieve a little." Alli stated

"Alli! I'm holding Eli hostage too." I giggled, Fi laughed

"So Eli you don't care Clare's holding you hostage?" She asked

"Not at all especially how the last time went when Clare and I spent time alone in her room." Eli replied to Fi

"Really and I wasn't notified." Alli said socked as we stopped by our lockers.

"Sorry we just danced, kissed, and cuddled together." I told her

"And talked." Eli added

"Sounds cute." Fi stated

"What sounds cute?" Declan asked as he stood behind Fi and Alli

"Just Clare and her boyfriend." Fi answered

"Hey what'd I miss?" Adam asked as he joined

"Not much." I said

"Right like you holding me hostage isn't much."

"You like it Elijah." I giggled

"I never said I didn't." He laughed.

"So are we still on for guys night this weekend?" Adam asked Eli

"Relax Adam it's only Monday." Eli chuckled

Adam nodded and Alli, Eli, Fi, Declan, and I closed our lockers, Adam finished his moments later. We all walked outside and went our separate ways; Fi and Declan went to their limo, Adam walked to his mom's car, while Alli, Eli, and I walked to Morty. Alli wasn't too thrilled to be entering him again, but she didn't really have a choice.

There wasn't any music on as we drove, it was quiet, but not awkward. Eli held my hand and rubbed small circles on it, occasionally glancing at me to see if I was ok.

It didn't take long to get to my house, but Alli jumped out the moment Eli parked and he chuckled. I shot him a confused look.

"She did that this morning too."

I laughed a little, we made our way out of the car, and then into my house.

"Mom we're back, well Alli went home, Eli's here with me." I yelled

"Ok sweetie." She yelled back

Eli went into my room, I shut the door like usual, we sat on my bed, and started to do homework. Every so often I could feel Eli blowing hot air on my neck.

"Eli we have to concentrate." I giggled

"I know, but I can't help it and I want to make you happy."

"I am happy. I have you don't I?"

"Well it's just that you've been depressed all day and now I want you to be happy."

I nodded at continued to do homework. I could feel Eli glancing over at me every so often, unable to concentrate; I shut my math book.

"Ok so now what?" I asked in a strict tone

"We do homework."

"It's kind of hard when you're glancing over at me with a smirk."

"Well now you know how I feel, I'm in a room with a gorgeous woman, all we're doing is homework, and her beauty is distracting me."

I hit his arm playfully and put my iPod on.

"What's with you and music?" Eli asked

I shrugged and started to walk away from my iPod when I heard "Situations" come on Eli and I both laughed.

"I'll turn it off." I said

"Just until we're able to listen to it together."

I nodded knowing what he meant, the next song to come on was "Shake It" by Metro Station, again another song we wouldn't be able to listen to.

"My my Clare so many perverted songs." Eli chuckled

"Hey I only have like five or so perverted songs on here." I said in defense.

"Right."

"That I know of." I added causing Eli to laugh.

"Ok now homework." I stated

We ended up actually getting though our homework and danced to some slow tunes. After dinner Eli went home and I went back to my room. I took out some of my things that would belong to my son and knew it was time to move on, I mean I think I did after the amazing afternoon I had thanks to Eli. I think I'm going to be ok.

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**Please Review I read every single one of them believe it or not.**


	12. Revealing Secrets

**Disclaimer- I don't own Degrassi **

**A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in a bit, but I got a new job. I do plan to update a lot more though. As a reward I made the chapter longer with some twists involved and a little bit intense. **

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I woke up again next to my mom. "Did I do it again?" I asked waiting for her answer.

"You really loved him didn't you?" She asked knowing I knew what she'd mean

"I really wanted him to survive I don't understand what I did to have him taken from me, I would've taken care of him the best of my ability and given him everything I could and Josh would've helped. I can't help but to think what would my life be like if I didn't miscarry. Like would Josh still be here, would we still be together, would we be in Degrassi together as parents? There are so many questions left unanswered that are always going to be there."

"Honey." mom said as she wiped away a stray tear "I know how you feel, honestly I do aside from miscarrying. Maybe you should stay home from school."

"I have Eli, he made me feel better yesterday." I paused shaking my head at what I just said "I can't rely on him to make me feel better all the time can I?" I asked knowing it was a rhetorical question.

"Honey everything will be ok, you just need to live. I'll call school and tell them you won't be going."

"I want to maybe if I were around people…" I paused again and pinched the bridge of my nose as I thought. "Mom can we just move into a different house or something? I know this sounds weird, but I want to make a nursery like you make a room for Darcy, I know the logic behind it doesn't make sense, but I don't know what to do anymore."

"Honey we can't just make a nursery maybe we both just need to let go." my mom said as she brushed my hair.

"I know, I'm going to lay in the back of Clary for a little." I said as I looked at the clock.

"Ok honey." she cooed

I still had an thirty minutes before Alli would come over and fifty before Eli would pick us up, not that it mattered today, I wrapped my blanket around me, grabbed my keys as well as my iPod, and walked out the door.

"Hey Clary." I mumbled as I shut off her alarm.

I hopped inside my car, shut my door, put my iPod in, hugged my pillow, and started to silently sob as I played with my ring that Eli bought me. I started to sob and think back to my book _A Child Called "It" _I haven't read it since I bought it. I'm not sure if it was because Eli kept me happy yesterday and I didn't have the chance to mourn my son's death or if it's because I think of him and what type of mother I'd be if he were still alive. I soon fell asleep shortly after turning Clary's car alarm on so she would protect me.

The sound of Clary's car alarm going off woke me up I looked around immediately as I took my headphones out of one of my ears. I noticed Eli outside the car with his hands up in defense, I shut the alarm off, opened the door and let him in.

Eli sat down next to me and cupped my face, brushing my cheek with his thumb, I couldn't help but to lean into his touch.

"Clare what's wrong?" He asked

I shook my head and looked down.

"You know you can talk to me." Eli soothed

I just nodded not knowing what to say. It's not the kind of thing you talk to your boyfriend about. I need a best friend to talk to about this. For all I know my mom took Alli to school already.

"So out with it."

I still shook my head. Eli lifted my chin so I looked was looking at him, he looked into my eyes, and bought my head towards him as he moved his head towards mine. We shared a romantic and gentle kiss.

"Clare I'm here for you." he said with his head resting against my forehead.

"I know." I whispered "But I can't talk to you about it."

"You know you can talk to me about everything." He is voice was soothing, but I still shook my head and listened to my music.

"You have school." I muttered after a few minutes of silence.

"I don't want to go until I know you're ok."

"I'll be ok Eli." I mumbled

"I know because I'm not leaving you like this."

"I've caused you to miss school once and I'm not doing it again."

"Clare it's my decision to help my girlfriend."

I just sat there motionless and Eli pulled out his iPod as well.

"If I am only here to watch you as you suffer I will let you down." He paused "I will never leave you I will not let you down." He sang

I looked at him and sighed deeply. "I-I miss him." I stuttered as tears fell down my face. I smiled when I remembered how I felt when I found out I was pregnant. My smile faded when reality hit me. "He's gone and there's nothing I can do to bring him back." I started to sob. Eli held me. I looked at his face and he had tears in his eyes. "I don't know what to do I miss him, I don't think I could love someone so much and then he was just taken from me." I sobbed into his shirt.

"Clare." Eli cooed

"I just wish he never left, he left this empty place inside my body. Though it would be empty when he were born I still can't help, but to think of him." I sobbed "I don't want another baby right now because I'm not fully over the loss of my son and that would mean I'm replacing him."

Eli nodded "I understand, for a while probably like you did, I thought dating again would mean I'm replacing Julia."

"I felt the same until I met you."

I tightened my grip around Eli's torso as I hugged him tighter.

"Clare, it'll be ok I'll help you get through this." He soothed as he hugged me tighter as well and kissed my head.

"Eli how do you feel about kids?" I asked

"Someday." he simply replied, I nodded and fell asleep in his chest.

I woke up a while later and noticed I was laying down with Eli's arm wrapped around me in my bed, he was asleep next to me. I rolled over on my stomach to face him knowing that he most likely carried me inside. I smiled as he slept, he looked so cute, I kissed his forehead, and moved out of my bed without waking him.

I walked out of my room and went down stairs. I sat at the table, and put my head down on my folded arms as I sighed.

"Honey what's wrong?" my mom asked

"I don't know, it's just that there are too many things jumbled in my head." I stated

I felt my mom rub the back of my head and I could tell she was sitting next to me.

"Like what?"

"Well the loss of my son it's still haunting. I know I should let go and move on like I did with Josh, but it's different."

"Honey, you were lucky to have Josh." My mom paused

"I know I was lucky to have him, but I'm also lucky to have Eli. I mean Eli's always trying to keep me happy and I just feel bad that I have all these issues. I'm afraid of bringing him down, then there's the fact that I may never be over the loss of my son and putting it in the back of my mind to forget about it obviously doesn't work. I don't want to have another baby just to replace him, it's not right." I groaned as I looked over at my mom.

"You thought about more kids?"

"Well I asked Eli and he said someday." I said honestly, she nodded again. "We've only dated for a little I'm not even sure what point we're at in our relationship so don't worry, right now we've just been kissing a lot." I said as I blushed. "We're taking things slow."

"Slow is always good."

"As long as it doesn't move too fast." I giggled

"Is Eli still sleeping?" Mom asked

"Yea I might go back and check on him."

"I found your cell and called his parents, they said they'll call him out of school."

"I'll tell Eli."

"Tell me what beautiful?" Eli asked causing my mom and I to jump and turn towards him.

"W-well your mom called you out of school."

"Ok."

"Well since you're awake Eli, I'm going to go food shopping we need a few things. Clare you know the rules."

I nodded "Same rules as always."

My mom smiled at me as she got up to get her things. I stood up and hugged her. "Thanks mom." I said

"You're welcome." She replied

I let go of her and walked over to the couch. I looked down and did my best to gather my feelings and try to figure them out.

"I'll be home in a few hours." My mom said as she left.

I felt Eli sit down with me and put his arm around me. "What's wrong, Clare?" he asked

"I don't deserve you." I muttered

"I think you got things backwards." He chuckled

I shook my head "I'm messed up. I'm broken, shattered even."

"Clare, it's ok I'm here to help you as your boyfriend." he said

"Eli it's not that easy, I don't even know what I'm going though." I started to sob

"Clare.." Eli muttered sadly

He lifted my head so I was looking at him, his green eyes were filled with sadness, and my blue eyes were filled with tears. Eli grabbed my chin, tilted my head, and pulled me into a kiss. I could feel the passion, intensity, and want in the kiss. Eli pulled away leaving me breathless, he leaned his forehead against mine and we breathed each other's breaths. "I love you." He said his lips brushing against mine. "Whatever you're going though we're in it together." I nodded and pressed our lips together in a soft, passionate, chaste kiss

"I love you too." I said involuntarily as our heads rested against each others. My heart started to flutter rapidly and my chest felt like it was going to implode. That's when it hit me I really do love Eli, I just masked the feeling until I said it out loud. Eli pulled me into another kiss, deepening it this time.

"Can I hold you?" Eli asked once he broke the kiss.

"Of course."

I laid down and bought Eli with me. "I just want to lay down for a little." I said feeling exhausted. Eli laid behind me on the couch and pulled my back to his chest as we spooned.

"You've slept a lot today." Eli noted

"I know, I just feel depressed." I said honestly.

"Clare, I can't afford to lose you."

"You won't Eli." I said with my eyes closed

I felt Eli's arm tighten around my waist as he moved the hair away from the back of my neck and started placing feather light kisses there. I smiled to myself, placed my hand on Eli's which happened to be on my stomach, and rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb. I felt him smirk in the back of my neck, he added a few more kisses as he squeezed me a little, and then he stopped.

"Clare?" Eli whispered

"Hmm?"

"I feel like I'm not being honest with you."

My eyes shot open wide at his words. _What does he mean he's not being honest?_ I thought. I immediately sat up and he joined me. Eli was looking at his hands and I began to play with my rings. The silence was nerve wracking.

"Julia." He said in a hushed tone. "She said." He paused and shook his head "She said I was suffocating her, that I became too clingy." Eli whispered, I noticed his hands were shaking so I moved to the floor and knelt in front of him as I took his hands in mine. "Which was why I went to the store. I was angry at her for telling me that and I need to calm down." He sighed "I just didn't think she'd try to find me."

"Eli it's not your fault." I soothed

"You should look in a mirror when you say that." He chuckled nervously, I just nodded and laid my head on our hands, Eli removed one of his hands and rubbed the back of my head. "I'm sorry I know the circumstances are a little different." He cooed and picked my head up. "I didn't think first."

I nodded and looked at him "It's ok." I said soothingly "I know you didn't mean it, but you're right. I do need to move on and let go of my son just like I did with Josh, but it's hard."

"Clare." Eli paused, I looked up at him with pleading eyes. "Just promise me that you'll tell me if I become too clingy or suffocating."

"I promise, but if that happens I'd just want you to hear me out."

Eli nodded "I promise to listen." he picked my head up and kissed me chastely I returned the kiss after we pulled away and stood up.

"Lay down?" I asked Eli, he laid down with no questions asked, but held a concerned look on his face. I knelt down by his feet facing him and laid on top of him, his hand stroked the back of my hair as he grabbed the TV remote.

"Today isn't one of your good days is it?" He asked sadly

"Sadly no it's not." I replied as I hugged him tightly.

"So what do you want to watch?"

"Anything is fine by me."

"Well you never told me your favorite movie genre…." Eli trailed off

"I don't have a favorite movie genre. Like I said before I like anything from horror to certain chick flicks I told you already."

"Certain chick flicks?" Eli questioned

"Well I've seen the Notebook I liked it the first time, but when I watched it again, it seemed like it was way too long, and it bored the living hell out of me."

"Titanic? I know most girls fawn over that movie."

"Too overrated I mean two people fall in love from two different classes on a boat, they fall in love, seduce each other, and he dies."

Eli chuckled "My type of girl."

"A Walk to Remember is the only chick flick I liked where someone died." I stated

"Wait you're telling me there are chick flicks where no one dies?" His voice was playful.

"Yes and those are the ones I like such as Save the Last Dance. Why are we even discussing this again?" I asked playfully as I covered us with a light blanket.

"We have the same taste in movies and music. I think we're off to a really good start. We're discussing this again so I can get a better memory of what movies you don't like all you mentioned last time was you don't do scary, but you do horror care to explain?"

"I agree and I like Zombie movies as well as Vampire, and Werewolf such as Blood and Chocolate which surprisingly has nothing to do with chocolate." I giggled

I heard a key in the door, but when I looked out the window there was no car which only meant one thing: Alli was home for lunch.

"Eli be quiet, Alli's here." I panicked "Don't make a sound." I said as I threw a blanket over his head.

"Like this is going to work." He chuckled

"Shut up."

I moved part of the blanket down that was on Eli's head to his chest fully cover him. Eli moved his hands by his sides and chuckled a little.

"Good you're not in your room I was worried about you."

"So you came home for lunch?" I asked as she walked towards me.

Alli stopped in front of me with a puzzled look on her face. I tried not to giggle at her face.

"Clare here I am all worried about you and you have Eli over." She stated

"H-How do you know it's Eli?" I asked "It could just be a big ass body pillow."

"Right and I'll just sit on you."

Alli moved over and sat on my back squishing me against Eli and he made a "Umph" sound

"You're hurting me Alli" Eli groaned after a few minutes, Alli jumped off of Eli and looked at us as he removed the blanket from his face.

"You're hiding places suck."

"Don't blame me it was Clare's idea." Eli said in defense

"I didn't think Alli would sit on you." I whispered

"Either way it looks like you two are quite comfortable." Alli stated

"We kind of are." I said

"Kind of?" Eli asked

I shrugged

"We **are** comfortable." Eli corrected.

I kissed Eli chastely, then pulled away.

"I didn't need to see that." Alli groaned

"Sorry I couldn't help it." I giggled

Eli pulled me back into a kiss, he thrust his tongue in my mouth, and our tongues danced in a slow romantic rhythm. I held back a whimper, pulled away, and panted a little.

"On that note I'm leaving." Alli said I didn't even get to say goodbye before the door closed.

I grabbed my phone and texted Alli.

_Are you mad __L_

I received a text shortly later.

_No I'm not I got a text when you and Eli were making out. Drew asked me to meet him in the garden. __J_

I smiled as I texted back.

_Have fun, but not too much. _

"Should I be worried about who you're texting?" Eli asked with a raised brow as he tried not to smirk.

"I'm making sure Alli's not mad at me and she's meeting Drew." I said as my phone vibrated.

_I should tell you the same thing :p_

Eli frowned a little. "He's a player."

"She knows." I replied as I shut my phone and laid back on Eli's chest.

He played with my hair as we started to flip through the channels again.

"There's nothing on." He sighed as he put the remote down.

"It's ok, this looks interesting." I said as I stared at the TV

"Come on it looks like a chick flick." He retorted

I looked at him as he stared at the TV. "You know this chick flick could be interesting." I stated with a smile as he turned to me.

"Not something you should watch." He said with a worried expression.

"Why not?" I asked

"The girl gets killed and her family is left to deal." he stated, I slowly nod at him with my eyes closed. "See it hits a little close to home for you."

"Maybe watching this could be a good thing." I said

Eli nodded and we turned back to the movie which was just starting. The girl Susie Salmon had a lovely family she was fourteen when she was murdered. Each time I'd cry Eli would ask if I'm ok and I'd just nod too into the movie to say anything, but I'd always stop.

"_Sophie Cichetti, Pennsylvania. 1960. She had been his landlady." _I started to cry when I seen the place she was killed

"_Jacky Meyer, Delaware. 1967. She had just turned 13. Her body was found in a drainage ditch...by the side of the road._

_Lea Fox. Delaware 1969. She was already dead when he dumped her body in the river._

_Lana Johnson. 1960. Bucks County, Pennsylvania. She was lured into a shack, he had built of old doors. She was the youngest. She was six." _I cried harder when I heard this and seen where she was killed along with part of her body. How could someone kill an innocent young girl? I thought knowing I how hurt the parents must be.

"_Flora Hernandez. Delaware, 1963. He'd only wanted to touch her, but she screamed._

_Denise Li-Ang, Connecticut, 1971. 13. She was waiting for her father to close up their shop, when she vanished. Denise Li-Ang, who sometimes_

_liked to be called Holly._

_Susie Salmon, 14. Norristown, Pennsylvania, 1973. Murdered in a room he_

_had built under the earth." _

Eli shut the TV off after that part and began to kiss my tears away. "Clare I'm sorry I should've turned it off anyway." Eli whispered as he started to brush away my tears.

"You didn't know it was a true story, besides I fought you on it." I said "But how can someone be so cruel hearted where they not only kill innocent people, but innocent kids as well the youngest at six?"

"It's wrong I know, but Clare the murder is dead now."

I turned on the TV to finish the movie knowing I probably missed a lot. The murder had found another victim, but she got away and I smiled. He ended up falling down a really big cliff and dying.

"See he did die." Eli chuckled a little, I nodded, wrapped my arms around his waist, and squeezed him a little, he squeezed back. "Hey Clare?"

"Hmm."

"I don't know if this will scare you or anything…" Eli trailed off

"Eli what is it?" I asked concerned as I looked at him.

"Please don't leave me."

"Why would I leave you?" I asked, he shrugged "If anything I'd be afraid of you leaving me." I said honestly.

"Clare I would never do that." Eli stated and I kissed him chastely.

We had decided to shut off the TV and relax together, Eli's hand was running along my spine while his other one played with my hair. "You're starting to put me to sleep." I whispered with my eyes closed, Eli chuckled as he continued. "Are you planning on putting me to sleep or something?" I asked as I opened my eyes to look at Eli, I noticed his eyes were closed "Are you starting to fall asleep too?" I asked.

Eli nodded "I'm very comfortable like this."

The more he played with my hair and rubbed my back, the closer I was to falling asleep again for the second time today, before I knew it I was asleep.

"Hey it's time for dinner." My mom said as she gently shook me awake.

I groaned and shut my eyes again as I squeezed Eli a little. "Mmm" he said as he squirmed a little to get comfortable again causing me to smirk to myself.

"Both of you need to eat." my mom stated

"Five more minutes." Eli groaned as he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed a little. I couldn't help, but to giggle I know now I'm not going back to sleep and I think my mom knows too because she got up and walked away. I started to tickle Eli's sides causing him to squirm "Trying to tickle me?" He asked.

"Possibly." I said and tried again to tickle him only to succeed this time. Eli tickled me back both of us were squirming on the couch until my mom interrupted us.

"Kids dinner." She chimed, Eli and I got off of the couch and walked to the already set table.

"Would your mom care that you're eating over?" I asked Eli

"No she already knows I'm here, so she's not worried." Eli replied, I nodded and we started to eat.

"So Eli what's your opinion of kids?" my mom asked as Eli coughed a little.

"Mooom." I groaned

"Well I want to know." She said

"Well my dad wants grandchildren, but my mom and I wouldn't mind waiting." Eli said

"Waiting is always good though I don't condone what Clare's previous actions, she did handle things well."

"Thanks mom, but can we not talk about that?" I asked

She changed the subject to school which wasn't that bad. After dinner Eli went home and I went back to the kitchen. My mom and I cleaned up together.

"How about you and I bake like we used to?" my mom suggested

"That sounds fun what are we baking?" I asked

"Um, cookies, chocolate cake, anything your heart desires."

"Cookies and cake." I chimed

My mom walked to the fridge and got out the ingredients while I got out the utensils.

"Ok we need 2 cups of sugar, ¼ tea spoon of salt and baking powder." I said after remembering part of a recipe.

After about ten minutes the food was in the oven minus some chocolate chip cookie dough we set out for ourselves.

"Ok Clare we need to clean up."

"Agreed."

I watched my mom get some sugar in her hand. "Don't you even dare" I stated as I took some flour. She threw the sugar at me as I threw the flour at her.

"Really mom?" I said as I hid behind the counter with some cinnamon.

"Of course all is fair in love and war." She chimed

"Quoting things now?" I asked as I got hit with some sort of powder

There was a knock on the door. The minute I got up I was hit again with some sort of spice. I threw some cinnamon at my mom and got her shirt.

I giggled as I opened the door to see a shocked Eli.

"Um, we were baking." I giggled nervously

"I'm glad I'm never home when my mom bakes now."

I moved aside to let him in the messy house. I shut the door behind him.

"Want a drink?" I asked

"Sure." he replied

We both walked into the kitchen and my mom jumped out of the closet and attacked the both of us with flour.

"Mom you got Eli." I groaned

"This means war." He said grabbing a bag of brown sugar and throwing some on both of us.

My mom and I ran and took some items to defend ourselves as we hid. All three of us were covered in food when the door opened we surprised the person at the other end by throwing some stuff on them.

"Hey." Alli yelled. "Mrs. Edwards you're supposed to be the grown up here."

"Oh come on Alli we all need a little fun." my mom said. The three of us looked around and the house was a complete and udder mess. With the help of Eli, my mom, and Alli, the four of us had the place cleaned within an hour.

"So Eli, what brings you here?" My mom asked

"My parents asked for some alone time." he said simply

We all nodded. "Sorry to hear that." my mom said

"It's ok." Eli replied as we got up.

Alli left to shower once the place was cleaned and I let Eli use my bathroom while I used Darcy's and my mom used hers. I finished my shower and went into my room, Eli was still in the bathroom. I dug through one of the boxes and took out some clothes.

I noticed the water stopped running and waited a few minutes before knocking on the door.

"Eli are you ok?" I asked

"Yea I'm fine, um do you mind if I borrow your robe?" He asked

"No not at all though I wouldn't mind seeing you in color." I giggled

"Funny it's happens to be red." He chuckled back.

_Damnit out of all the robes I have in my bathroom I just had to leave my red one in there. _I thought as I backed away from the door.

Eli opened the door, the way his hair stuck to his face and the way he narrowed his eyes on me left me at a loss for words I was completely lost and awestruck he looks so amazing.

"U-um these were Josh's they're a little too big for you, but.." I said holding the clothes out for Eli.

"Thanks" Eli said as he took them, I could only nod.

I sat on my bed waiting for Eli to change. "How tall was this guy?" He asked from the other side of the door.

"Um about 5'10, 5'11" I replied knowing Eli's not much taller than me and I'm only 5'2.

I watched as the bathroom door opened and held back a giggle. The clothes were really big on Eli to say the least, but he looked cute nonetheless.

"Would your mom care if I stayed the night?" He asked nervously.

"We won't tell her unless we have to." I said sneakily as he made his way over to me.

"Clare, I don't want you to hide anything from her."

"She won't be mad."

I looked over to my mom who was in the door way. She seen Eli and started laughing.

"Eli those are really too big you're swimming in them." She giggled.

"I'm lucky his sweat pants have drawstrings." Eli chuckled after looking at his feet which were covered by the pants. "I'm kind of walking on them is that ok?" He asked

"Eli, I don't care." I giggled sweetly as I shook my head and took his hands "I have you remember?" I said looking up at him, Eli bent down and kissed me.

"I remember." he said against my lips and kissed me again.

"Ahem." My mom interrupted "I'm assuming you're staying the night?" she asked

"If it's ok with you." Eli said

"As long as Clare allows it and the door stays slightly open." My mom said "You two should go to sleep you both have school in the morning and it's 11pm. I'll wash your clothes and I'm sure we'll find something that you'll be able to wear tomorrow."

"Thank you Mrs. Edwards." Eli said

"Helen." my mom said back to Eli who nodded and gave her his dirty clothes.

"I'll be right back." I said as I followed my mom down the stairs.

"What's wrong Clare?" She asked when she turned around.

"I know I won't be able to sleep tonight." I stated

"Need your pills?" She asked, I nodded as she took out the bottle. I watched as she took the top off.

"Mom I can get my own medicine." I stated

"Right like last time after everything you were in the hospital for three days." She said

I looked down at my wrists and seen the scars. "Mom I'm over that I have Eli now."

"Clare I'm not taking the chance." She said

"Mom! Come on things are different now for heaven's sake." I said in a slightly raised voice.

"Clare how many times do I have to tell you I'm not taking that chance again!" my mom yelled causing me to jump and slight tears to form. "I'm sorry I yelled here are your pills." she said handing me two of them and a glass of water.

"Like two will help me sleep." I muttered

"Clare please don't start."

"The warning label specifically says no more than 6 within 24 hours." I said back as I took the two.

"I don't care you're not taking four if you're still up in an hour I'll give you two more."

"Deal." I said in defeat.

I walked up to my room looking at my feet and I would've walked into Eli if he didn't stop me.

"Is tonight a bad night?" he asked "I sort of heard your mom yell about something."

"It's fine." I said tugging at my sleeves.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked as we walked to the bed and laid down.

I shrugged as I laid my head on his chest and covered us up.

"Clare honey I'm sorry, but I'm just trying to protect you." my mom said as she sat on the bed

"Mom did we not discuss this downstairs." I said as I sat up. "Besides I'm not going to hurt Eli like that." I stated looking in her eyes.

She nodded. "Clare-"

"This isn't the time to discuss this mom."

"I just worry about you."

"Mom." I started and sighed knowing I'm not going to win. "I get it, but you also have to understand where I'm coming from. I'm not like that anymore can't you see that?" I asked trying to get her to understand.

"I do, but Clare I'm your mother besides I informed the school before you started."

"Whatever mom." I said "Can't we discuss this at a different time."

"I can leave if you want." Eli said

"No Eli, my mom should leave."

I looked at my mom and saw venom in her eyes. "Ever wonder why Clare wears long sleeves a lot?" She asked

"Mom don't." I said

"I'm sure Clare will tell me when she's ready." Eli said soothingly

"Just be sure you don't leave her alone with sharp objects and a bottle of pills who knows when she'll attempt suicide again." My mom said with tons of venom. I could feel Eli staring at me and I knew this was the end of our relationship as I started to let the tears fall. I walked into my bathroom, leaned on the wall, and slid down to the floor.

_Eli's going to leave me, I'm going to end up alone again. All I'll have is Alli and my mom, I can't ask Alli to move again she's happy. _Were the thoughts coursing in my mind before the bathroom door opened. I hid my face in my knees.

"Clare." Eli cooed

"I know what you're going to say so save yourself the trouble." I stated as I felt more tears roll down my face.

"What would that be?" Eli asked in amusement.

"That you'd rather not date some suicidal teen who has had a miscarriage, a dead family, and issues."

"Clare, remember what I told you earlier about me worrying that you'd leave me?" I nodded "Then why the hell would I do something so stupid as to leave you, who cares if you have stuff to work through, we'll get through it together." I nodded again and looked up at him.

"Really?" I asked

He nodded and kissed my head. "Now can I see your wrists?" he asked

I rolled up my sleeves to reveal the two scars one on each wrist and Eli moved his thumbs over them rubbing them as if they would somehow magically come off, when he realized they weren't he kissed them, then kissed me. "I'm not going anywhere." He said.

"Good because neither am I."

Eli helped me off the floor and we walked to bed together. The minute I laid my head on his chest I started to feel sleepy. "Clare." Eli said in more of a question.

"Hmm?"

"I have two questions." he said as he glided his nails on my back.

"Mmhmm."

"One, if you ever feel suicidal or anything again please come to me first and two I can't sleep can you lay on me again?"

"If I ever feel suicidal I'll talk to you which it doesn't happen that often so you have nothing to fear." I said as I crawled on top of him.

I listened to Eli's heartbeat as he played with my hair and ran his fingers up and down my spine. Within minutes I was asleep.

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**Reviews? Predictions? **


	13. Teaser

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi**

**A/N: I'm sorry for not updating sooner and here's a teaser to tide you over.**

* * *

"Clare, this way run!" Eli yelled excitedly as he pulled on my arm causing me to run.

"I'm running." I giggled as we ran "Where are we going." I yelled between giggles.

"That would be the surprise." Eli chuckled, I could feel the wind in my dress as we ran. The adrenaline was pumping though my veins as we got deeper and deeper into the woods, I could see the light from Eli's flash light ahead of me as we ran, though it was dark and we were in the woods running to whatever our destination may be I knew at that single moment that there's no one else that I'm not afraid, that there's no one that I would rather share my past, present, and future experiences with Eli. Eli stopped running and turned towards me. "Close your eyes." He panted as he moved besides me, I listened and Eli held my waist as his hand moved to cover my eyes so I wasn't peeking.

"Eli, what's going on." I said as he guided me.

"You'll see soon." He said, then moments later we stopped. I felt him let go of me and his hand move away from my eyes as I opened them.

"Eli, it's beautiful." I gasped.


End file.
